How are you with ultimatums? (Long post)
I have lived alone for 13 years and in this time I've created a home that I love.
I think my rules are simple and reasonable.
Previous relationships have ended simply because they've disrespected and disregarded the struggle I've been through to develop my home, my self as a person and my level of ease in this space.
Due to current situations I have taken a massive step back in the hope that my partner would step up to help more including, following the preset rules.
I'm not a person that believes in nagging or being a parrot.
Key points to leading to our current situation are this.
When introduced to my home I showed and created space in the shoe cupboard at the front door to accommodate them.
They've been shown around the kitchen and given free roam to familiarise themselves with it and where everything goes.
Towels in use go on a rack over the radiator.
A large draw, 3 shelves and wardrobe space has created to allow for flexibility.
Basics in my opinion when sharing and including a partner in a space.
As the pregnancy goes on I've been resting more so I'm in bed leaving the partner to get on.
Shoes have been left on the floor-when asked why a response was given. Left there because they are taking the dog for a walk later...
Dog goes out between 7-11am, 2-3pm, 6-8pm.
Tea towels that usually are placed on the oven handle have been left on the surfaces, or living room table.
I forgot.
Hoover taken out the kitchen cupboard, has been used. Won't be emptied, battery placed back on charge, left standing in the hallway.
I was supposed to empty it but forgot.
Initially I asked them if they'd forgotten where things go, and showed my partner. Sometimes even placed items back, only to get I was going to do that.
But as my frustration and irritability has built my tone and approach has changed.
Example, where's the tea towels?
Oh I'd hate for the dog to chew these shoes or, is there a reason for the shoes in the hallway?
Have you finished hoovering?
Its my way of getting a answer and action to correct.
Consequently and argument started while my mum was here. Where I was told I'm annoying and my response was so was they. The following morning they broached the subject.
I let them talk for 15 mins about my tone and how it made them feel including examples.
I took some time to process, my snap back isn't healthy. (sometimes my silence seems like a shut down)
The moment I felt I could articulate myself appropriately. I was cut into.
I started by explaining why I changed my tactic to get the action done.
Since I hadn't started the sentence with I'm sorry, it was cut off and I had to listen to another 15 mins of why they thought I was wrong and why they wouldn't stay.
And now needed to pack their things to go.
I did shut down this time, I simply suggested that if this was what was needed they should leave.
The packing started. With pauses to sit down.
Followed by asking me if all things should be removed today.
I didn't want to take responsibility for their choice so suggested they do what they feel is best.
This went back and fourth so I said take it all.
More sitting, more silence.
Eventually I spoke and started with the apology they required, and explained my points and reasoning, including my questioning their forgetfulness.
Whether that was taken on who knows.
I personally believe after my apology for making them feel inadequate I think he stopped listening.
Simply because I got a further 15 mins of them talking.
An explanation regarding leaving the shoes was, at their home they take shoes off, take dog lead and collar off and place in the living room cupboard. They return to the hallway to take coat off and put shoes away. 🤔
Is this resolved for me? no!
Will I change my approach? yes.
Do i believe this will change? temporarily yes...
Why did I apologise?
I'm pregnant and could do without rising cortisol levels.
The ultimatum for me feels childish, the monologues unnecessary.
Do I come across cold? quite possibly simply because I don't see why these things are arguments.
It's about respecting a space, that's in theory mine, but now become ours.
He knows I'm not always the tidiest and with my tiredness it offers me less time in the day to correct them.
Pre pregnancy things were different and I managed better.
When in their home, questions are asked and the space is maintained.
I think my rules are simple and reasonable.
Previous relationships have ended simply because they've disrespected and disregarded the struggle I've been through to develop my home, my self as a person and my level of ease in this space.
Due to current situations I have taken a massive step back in the hope that my partner would step up to help more including, following the preset rules.
I'm not a person that believes in nagging or being a parrot.
Key points to leading to our current situation are this.
When introduced to my home I showed and created space in the shoe cupboard at the front door to accommodate them.
They've been shown around the kitchen and given free roam to familiarise themselves with it and where everything goes.
Towels in use go on a rack over the radiator.
A large draw, 3 shelves and wardrobe space has created to allow for flexibility.
Basics in my opinion when sharing and including a partner in a space.
As the pregnancy goes on I've been resting more so I'm in bed leaving the partner to get on.
Shoes have been left on the floor-when asked why a response was given. Left there because they are taking the dog for a walk later...
Dog goes out between 7-11am, 2-3pm, 6-8pm.
Tea towels that usually are placed on the oven handle have been left on the surfaces, or living room table.
I forgot.
Hoover taken out the kitchen cupboard, has been used. Won't be emptied, battery placed back on charge, left standing in the hallway.
I was supposed to empty it but forgot.
Initially I asked them if they'd forgotten where things go, and showed my partner. Sometimes even placed items back, only to get I was going to do that.
But as my frustration and irritability has built my tone and approach has changed.
Example, where's the tea towels?
Oh I'd hate for the dog to chew these shoes or, is there a reason for the shoes in the hallway?
Have you finished hoovering?
Its my way of getting a answer and action to correct.
Consequently and argument started while my mum was here. Where I was told I'm annoying and my response was so was they. The following morning they broached the subject.
I let them talk for 15 mins about my tone and how it made them feel including examples.
I took some time to process, my snap back isn't healthy. (sometimes my silence seems like a shut down)
The moment I felt I could articulate myself appropriately. I was cut into.
I started by explaining why I changed my tactic to get the action done.
Since I hadn't started the sentence with I'm sorry, it was cut off and I had to listen to another 15 mins of why they thought I was wrong and why they wouldn't stay.
And now needed to pack their things to go.
I did shut down this time, I simply suggested that if this was what was needed they should leave.
The packing started. With pauses to sit down.
Followed by asking me if all things should be removed today.
I didn't want to take responsibility for their choice so suggested they do what they feel is best.
This went back and fourth so I said take it all.
More sitting, more silence.
Eventually I spoke and started with the apology they required, and explained my points and reasoning, including my questioning their forgetfulness.
Whether that was taken on who knows.
I personally believe after my apology for making them feel inadequate I think he stopped listening.
Simply because I got a further 15 mins of them talking.
An explanation regarding leaving the shoes was, at their home they take shoes off, take dog lead and collar off and place in the living room cupboard. They return to the hallway to take coat off and put shoes away. 🤔
Is this resolved for me? no!
Will I change my approach? yes.
Do i believe this will change? temporarily yes...
Why did I apologise?
I'm pregnant and could do without rising cortisol levels.
The ultimatum for me feels childish, the monologues unnecessary.
Do I come across cold? quite possibly simply because I don't see why these things are arguments.
It's about respecting a space, that's in theory mine, but now become ours.
He knows I'm not always the tidiest and with my tiredness it offers me less time in the day to correct them.
Pre pregnancy things were different and I managed better.
When in their home, questions are asked and the space is maintained.
31-35, F
