how do i let go of someone while having a trauma bond with them

@riseofthemachine he makes it worse by stalking me too, i KNOW it’s him when he makes accts to look at my stuff bc it’s so obvious. and he knows that i know. i’ve tried to move on n everytime i did he’d come back saying he missed me n how im stupid for moving on so “easily” when the reality of it is i was trying to escape the pain of loving HIM by trying to date someone else n catch feelings for them somehow while dating them. that’s selfish. i know it is bc there’s always the chance that i WONT catch feelings for that person n i’ll js have wasted his or her time. bc i love my ex, but. idk what else i can do. i can’t ever say no to him when he does come back because im so attached that it’s fucking dreadfully painful when he’s gone for even a few hours when he breaks up with me.

@bowchow This is your first love by the looks of it . If you let go in time it will get easier .
My ex broke up with me and I'll share this with you just to leave you know that I'm not better than you . I ended up in a mental institution,3 times in the one year after a toxic break up .
We went over to the other side of the world to sort it out . In my part I was doing all I could . I couldn't do anymore . I was so bad I was crying in her car asking her what did I do wrong .
Later I found she was doing wrong ( no bitterness now ) We were young when that happened . I was with her when she was your age . She was 19 and I was 25 . We broke up when I was 30 . I was stone cold sober through the whole thing . I didn't take a drink in 19 years and never drank through the break up , the mental institutions , but I must say it was the most painful experience I experienced in all my life of the toxic behaviors, both on her part and both on my part . If there was honesty in the relationship it could of being so much better . She could of leaving the east way and I had no problem that way but being it so toxic the arguments go worse , the no talking got worse and being honest that part was the worst of it cause I didn't want that at all .
I got a nervous breakdown over the whole thing.
I went back in the cigarettes after 6 years over the whole thing .
That's why I'm saying to you is it your first love cause that's the most painful one .
You get through it .
If you stay don't take it by me but my description of what I told you kept me out of a relationship for the past 14 years .
I'm 43 now your 18-21 you have your whole life ahead of you . It's good to experience that cause you be aware of relationships in the next time . You won't easily jump back right into a another one . You"ll find the right person and you deserve to find the right person

@riseofthemachine i’m sorry you went through the same type of pain i’ve been feeling. i just don’t understand why he can’t be better for me like i changed to be better for him. all i’ve done is try to care for him n love him like he wants. but he refuses to see the good n holds onto the bad then takes his anger out on me with verbal abuse n he knows i don’t have the balls to leave him because he’s what i want. i js wish he’d be better so he n i could work.

@bowchow Your doing your best right . You can't do anymore with that , but trying to change another person never works . You destroy yourself more .
Correct me if wrong .
Or you doing your best cause your afraid you"ll never end up in a relationship again .
That's a huge fear.
That fear overwhelms you .
If you love by the way it looks like you do .
You can't do anymore.
I bought my ex top phones at the time .
Went around the world with her and I didn't even want to go .
Bought her more expensive stuff for her .
Went to College for her and I didn't even want to go . All to keep her happy and she never was .
You"ll never find your happiness in other people . There's people that can provide happiness only for short time but all of those ideas run out and you end up stale again do you get me .
It's a good thing your after experiencing pain at that age . You"ll get wiser now

@riseofthemachine but why does it have to hurt this bad. i dont wanna feel like this, i dont wanna be scared that nobody will love me like my ex tells me. i dont even wanna miss him. i’m so tired of feeling like this, it’s been 2 years that i’ve spent with him and the first year was bliss. we were so happy tg. he was happy, we planned to get married, to live tg. have children tg. he already has a daughter n she’s called me her mom before. you don’t know how happy it made me to know she loves me too. she loved me n she was only 4 i believe. i wanted to take care of both of them. but why does losing him have to hurt like this.

i’d do anything to js turn back time n tell myself to go to sleep the night me n him met. had i js stayed asleep i wouldn’t have to have met him. i wouldn’t feel like this.

it’s so tiring. and nobody cares anymore bc i’ve cried over him for a year. i’ve tried for him for a year. countless arguments. countless insults n slut shaming. body shaming. i’ve cut off friends for him. i’ve done everything i can for him. i’ve put up with so much js for his love. why can’t he see that im trying so hard for him?? i can’t ever wrap my mind around the fact that he he seemed to of gotten BORED of me n doesn’t want me anymore. i put my all. im never doing this shit again, but i miss being LOVED. he was all i had.why is it so easy for him to js leg go of me n hate me. while i still try n beg him for another chance.

@bowchow I was with my ex 4 years .
The first couple of years were good .
Everyone wants that in a relationship but I'll tell you not to be hurtful but on her part , the buzz of the relationship was gone . She cheated on me . I stayed in that relationship for another year and half to make it work out but she lost interest. That hurt then but as what I said I didn't feel the real pain until I was out of it and ended up in a mental institution .
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't take the part of love as far as I went. I was suicidal for a year and half . I lost 3 stone in 6 months over it and I was doing exactly what you were doing to try make someone love you .
PLEASE don't go as far as I went .