I've Had an Awakening
It boiled over last week after weeks and months of feeling neglected by my partner of close to four years. After she was hit with the news that her company was being sold last June, she went into overdrive at her office, and into a panic at home due to a major voluntary neglect that bit her in the ass.
For the longest time, I've watched her cry every single weekend over her job. I've given her plenty of space including weekends where we didn't see each other. I sacrificed a good chuck of the final summer in my 30's to help her with the thing she neglected for far too long. All I got for it was feeling ignored and shackled.
We're supposed to go to Indiana in two weeks to see the eclipse in the point of totality and I don't even want to go. Not only could I give two shits about the eclipse, but I don't know that I want to once again sit for hours in a car with someone who's going to be quiet and miserable because she has no idea as to how to compartmentalize anything.
For months I told myself that her rheumatoid arthritis is to blame for this, which she developed several months after we began dating. I know it takes a toll on the central nervous system, thus I assumed that it was exacerbating her stress. But after a discussion we had, in which she shot down my advances in trying to be physical with her, I realize that for everything I've been doing to improve myself (switching careers, seeking counseling to deal with my autism), she's done nothing to fix herself. This RA didn't exacerbate shit; it simply exposed all of her problems for her to face and instead of facing them, she's burying herself in her shitty job and then ignoring me on the weekends.
I don't drive nearly an hour away to feel ignored.
When I confronted her about ignoring me, she responded that she's exhausted. She's not exhausted, she's depressed. Anyone who doesn't bathe unless they have to and just sits on a recliner all day letting the world juts pass them by is depressed. I know this from experience because she's officially the third depressed woman in a row that I've been with. And much like the first woman, she is doing NOTHING about it. She finally acknowledged that she's "addicted" to working. She told me she hates coming up to my house, only to be a lump on my couch, cancelling any plans she herself might've come up with; that she misses cuddling with me and apologized for making me feel ignored. She thanked me the next morning for "being [her] therapist".
That's the problem. She needs professional help. I don't know why I didn't say it last week. I wish I didn't have autism so I could adequately express myself the way I need to WHEN I need to.
We didn't see each other this weekend because she is legitimately sick, and I actually felt good. I'm happy to have finally removed the lids I voluntarily put over my eyes. It's probably why I'm feeling so anxious right now, having woken up to use the bathroom, only to be unable to fall back asleep.
Now that she's finally acknowledged that she actually needs to do her part in this relationship, will she actually do something about it, or not? I'm starting to get emotional as I finish this because I know I need to make a decision and ASAP. I need to finally stand my ground and if she doesn't change in any way, I have to go, for my own well being. I didn't change my life around over the last three years to continue feeling lonely.
For the longest time, I've watched her cry every single weekend over her job. I've given her plenty of space including weekends where we didn't see each other. I sacrificed a good chuck of the final summer in my 30's to help her with the thing she neglected for far too long. All I got for it was feeling ignored and shackled.
We're supposed to go to Indiana in two weeks to see the eclipse in the point of totality and I don't even want to go. Not only could I give two shits about the eclipse, but I don't know that I want to once again sit for hours in a car with someone who's going to be quiet and miserable because she has no idea as to how to compartmentalize anything.
For months I told myself that her rheumatoid arthritis is to blame for this, which she developed several months after we began dating. I know it takes a toll on the central nervous system, thus I assumed that it was exacerbating her stress. But after a discussion we had, in which she shot down my advances in trying to be physical with her, I realize that for everything I've been doing to improve myself (switching careers, seeking counseling to deal with my autism), she's done nothing to fix herself. This RA didn't exacerbate shit; it simply exposed all of her problems for her to face and instead of facing them, she's burying herself in her shitty job and then ignoring me on the weekends.
I don't drive nearly an hour away to feel ignored.
When I confronted her about ignoring me, she responded that she's exhausted. She's not exhausted, she's depressed. Anyone who doesn't bathe unless they have to and just sits on a recliner all day letting the world juts pass them by is depressed. I know this from experience because she's officially the third depressed woman in a row that I've been with. And much like the first woman, she is doing NOTHING about it. She finally acknowledged that she's "addicted" to working. She told me she hates coming up to my house, only to be a lump on my couch, cancelling any plans she herself might've come up with; that she misses cuddling with me and apologized for making me feel ignored. She thanked me the next morning for "being [her] therapist".
That's the problem. She needs professional help. I don't know why I didn't say it last week. I wish I didn't have autism so I could adequately express myself the way I need to WHEN I need to.
We didn't see each other this weekend because she is legitimately sick, and I actually felt good. I'm happy to have finally removed the lids I voluntarily put over my eyes. It's probably why I'm feeling so anxious right now, having woken up to use the bathroom, only to be unable to fall back asleep.
Now that she's finally acknowledged that she actually needs to do her part in this relationship, will she actually do something about it, or not? I'm starting to get emotional as I finish this because I know I need to make a decision and ASAP. I need to finally stand my ground and if she doesn't change in any way, I have to go, for my own well being. I didn't change my life around over the last three years to continue feeling lonely.
