a good, painful, agonizing change

trying to accept more positivity in my life, it's been EXTREMELY hard, all my friends know me being a little mean is how i show my love and like people being nice to me feels uncomfy most times. so, ive been trying to be more lovey dovey and shit. It isnt hard to show love to my close friends because i truly do love them, like them my girls. but receiving it? having someone tell me they love me just for the sake of it? god i lowkey hate it, but like i appreciate it i try to show that but i never know the right way to respond when someone is being nice to me, but you being mean as like a little joke? im with it, i can get down with that, shit I got five insults locked and loaded im creative like that. There is a new friend, super lovey dovey, im trying hard to preserve, know be nice also but im struggling wont lie, still gonne try tho.