Relationship Trauma and Distrust
I feel that, for myself, I need to be honest on here and by voicing this maybe others can relate or have some advice. I didn't date til I got to college. The first relationship was during my freshman year. Long story short, she had a hickey on her neck that I didn't put there and I didn't know what it was until I asked my family.
The second relationship was during my sophomore year - I was absolutely in love with her. She accepted me for all of my weirdness and I accepted her for hers. But when I was the last to know in a room of 12 of her friends that someone else had their hand down her pants, and I heard by someone else slipping up, I was incredibly angry but stupidly stuck around. After a huge depression and no support, I broke up with her.
Since then I would get with someone here and there but it would be all physical and shallow and I was trying to find ways of forgetting that second relationship. It's been two years and part of me is still not over her. But someone I met online has been talking with me and wanting to be in a relationship. While I find her extremely attractive, I know that I can't fully love her if I'm not over the past and I don't want to put that burden on anyone but myself.
But anytime someone is interested in me romantically and I discover this or they tell me, I tend to retreat and avoid them because something in my mind always tells me that if it's happened two times before, no matter how hard I fell or will fall, that it will inevitably happen again and that how I am will never satisfy anyone no matter how much good I do. I am not enough as I am and so I have to be alone until I can become someone who is enough.
The second relationship was during my sophomore year - I was absolutely in love with her. She accepted me for all of my weirdness and I accepted her for hers. But when I was the last to know in a room of 12 of her friends that someone else had their hand down her pants, and I heard by someone else slipping up, I was incredibly angry but stupidly stuck around. After a huge depression and no support, I broke up with her.
Since then I would get with someone here and there but it would be all physical and shallow and I was trying to find ways of forgetting that second relationship. It's been two years and part of me is still not over her. But someone I met online has been talking with me and wanting to be in a relationship. While I find her extremely attractive, I know that I can't fully love her if I'm not over the past and I don't want to put that burden on anyone but myself.
But anytime someone is interested in me romantically and I discover this or they tell me, I tend to retreat and avoid them because something in my mind always tells me that if it's happened two times before, no matter how hard I fell or will fall, that it will inevitably happen again and that how I am will never satisfy anyone no matter how much good I do. I am not enough as I am and so I have to be alone until I can become someone who is enough.
22-25, M
