Probably the longest rant I've made about a past relationship
Everytime a relationship ends there is something to learn from it. Sometimes it takes me longer to find the lesson, but I'm getting better at seeking out the answers sooner rather than later.
In college I would stay in a relationship with a person because I saw the good in them, even if it wasnt realized yet by the individual or even if they didn't treat me that well. I think at that time I was focused on making it work. Being loyal even if the situation wasn't right for me.
After college I started dating people that intrigued and excited me, someone who made me feel good temporarily with bouts of emotional violitility throughout. I think at that time I confused incongruence and abuse with passion.
Now I'm well into the career stage (and in my 30s). After job searching and figuring out what I want to do and now trying to build a specialty and moving toward values and a lifestyle that's important to me. I like to have fun, but partying is less important to me than it used to be. The idea of security and building something far more outweighs those old interests I used to have, and I'm more interested in getting to learn about myself than hunting for that person who will accept who I currently am.
In this last relationship I enjoyed my time with my ex. We had fun together, but nothing else aligned. He was okay with an insecure future, applying for several credit cards to fund his housing situation while he pursued becoming a Youtube star, a famous artist, or a DJ. It didnt seem like he even cared which. He just wanted desperately to feel seen and to feel like "he'd made it", I believe. And to some extent that endeared me to him. Although maybe a little reckless, I appreciate anyone who goes for their dreams. It's a commendable and bold pursuit.
I also think his lack of stability tapped into my motherly/nurturing nature as well... I tend to fall into a mother or therapist sort of role in relationships. I know that pattern also speaks volumes about me, but thats for another post. Ultimately this was the problem for us. He wanted a saucy, sexy girlfriend (which i was when we started dating) and then as we became more serious he wanted me to dress more conservatively and liked that I had a professional career, but at the same time he seemed to pine for girls who were as unstable as he was... and more alternative looking. Its likeche wanted me to be everything and just being me wasnt enough. Whenever he had one thing he wanted the other.
Being as insecure as I tend to be in relationships, I tried to be all of the things. It was exhausting and confusing and expensive. I was more concerned with being wanted instead of actually being what I wanted and continuing to pursue what I WANTED.
I have never been cool. I will never be cool. I am hard-working. I am caring. I can be physically needy at times. I enjoy feeling like I'm adored and I love returning that. I like balance in life. I like taking risks, and I like some things guaranteed. I like trying new things. I love pillow talk. I love traveling. I think I have a lot simpler wants in relationships now... and at the same time I think I need to just give them a break for a while, while I continue working on myself and loving myself enough to not lose myself just to be wanted.
In college I would stay in a relationship with a person because I saw the good in them, even if it wasnt realized yet by the individual or even if they didn't treat me that well. I think at that time I was focused on making it work. Being loyal even if the situation wasn't right for me.
After college I started dating people that intrigued and excited me, someone who made me feel good temporarily with bouts of emotional violitility throughout. I think at that time I confused incongruence and abuse with passion.
Now I'm well into the career stage (and in my 30s). After job searching and figuring out what I want to do and now trying to build a specialty and moving toward values and a lifestyle that's important to me. I like to have fun, but partying is less important to me than it used to be. The idea of security and building something far more outweighs those old interests I used to have, and I'm more interested in getting to learn about myself than hunting for that person who will accept who I currently am.
In this last relationship I enjoyed my time with my ex. We had fun together, but nothing else aligned. He was okay with an insecure future, applying for several credit cards to fund his housing situation while he pursued becoming a Youtube star, a famous artist, or a DJ. It didnt seem like he even cared which. He just wanted desperately to feel seen and to feel like "he'd made it", I believe. And to some extent that endeared me to him. Although maybe a little reckless, I appreciate anyone who goes for their dreams. It's a commendable and bold pursuit.
I also think his lack of stability tapped into my motherly/nurturing nature as well... I tend to fall into a mother or therapist sort of role in relationships. I know that pattern also speaks volumes about me, but thats for another post. Ultimately this was the problem for us. He wanted a saucy, sexy girlfriend (which i was when we started dating) and then as we became more serious he wanted me to dress more conservatively and liked that I had a professional career, but at the same time he seemed to pine for girls who were as unstable as he was... and more alternative looking. Its likeche wanted me to be everything and just being me wasnt enough. Whenever he had one thing he wanted the other.
Being as insecure as I tend to be in relationships, I tried to be all of the things. It was exhausting and confusing and expensive. I was more concerned with being wanted instead of actually being what I wanted and continuing to pursue what I WANTED.
I have never been cool. I will never be cool. I am hard-working. I am caring. I can be physically needy at times. I enjoy feeling like I'm adored and I love returning that. I like balance in life. I like taking risks, and I like some things guaranteed. I like trying new things. I love pillow talk. I love traveling. I think I have a lot simpler wants in relationships now... and at the same time I think I need to just give them a break for a while, while I continue working on myself and loving myself enough to not lose myself just to be wanted.
31-35, F
