Moving on can be a hard road
I just want to cry everyday. I'm at the airport heading back home from the trip we had planned together where he dumped me right before it, yet again. (Last time it was Hawaii... this time Fresno) It was within 24 hours of the flight, so i couldnt get a refund and decided to go anyways and try to have an "Eat, pray, love" moment. Haha. 🤦♀️
Well, we were going to stay at his family's house, so I ended up getting an Airbnb and he stayed with his family. We met up once to try hanging out and of course it went disastrously. I could tell that he was ready to move on, or at least he was really good at hiding his feelings from me. He smiled largely and obviously checked out other girls in a way that wasn't considerate of me in front of me. I was having difficulty smiling and fluctuated from feeling a need to cry or vomit.
After that day he asked if I wanted to hangout again the next day. I said no and did my own thing the rest of the trip. Things were a actually able to pick up without him around and I had some good times. But whenever it got quiet and I was left with my feelings I started to feel a large rock on my chest and a tightness in my throat. The thoughts and awareness of an ending of my expectations of where we could've ended up kept nagging at the back of my mind. I continue to remind myself that it's for the best, but it hasnt silenced the thoughts yet.
I still miss the idea of what I wanted. I know I dont miss him, and I know that he would not have been able to fulfill that dream that I'm missing either and thats why we're not together anymore. It just sucked when one person has been over it longer than you have. So they have done the emotional work while you're still trying to build a dream with them, and when it's over they're able to put one foot in front of the other while you're still trying to navigate the crack that you just fell into unaware.
... I just have to remember it's a crack though.
Not a pit.
I can still right myself up, maybe with a scratch here and there, but I'll be okay. I need to stop focusing on where he's going to go and how he's going to be without me when the reality is were just on different paths.
Well, we were going to stay at his family's house, so I ended up getting an Airbnb and he stayed with his family. We met up once to try hanging out and of course it went disastrously. I could tell that he was ready to move on, or at least he was really good at hiding his feelings from me. He smiled largely and obviously checked out other girls in a way that wasn't considerate of me in front of me. I was having difficulty smiling and fluctuated from feeling a need to cry or vomit.
After that day he asked if I wanted to hangout again the next day. I said no and did my own thing the rest of the trip. Things were a actually able to pick up without him around and I had some good times. But whenever it got quiet and I was left with my feelings I started to feel a large rock on my chest and a tightness in my throat. The thoughts and awareness of an ending of my expectations of where we could've ended up kept nagging at the back of my mind. I continue to remind myself that it's for the best, but it hasnt silenced the thoughts yet.
I still miss the idea of what I wanted. I know I dont miss him, and I know that he would not have been able to fulfill that dream that I'm missing either and thats why we're not together anymore. It just sucked when one person has been over it longer than you have. So they have done the emotional work while you're still trying to build a dream with them, and when it's over they're able to put one foot in front of the other while you're still trying to navigate the crack that you just fell into unaware.
... I just have to remember it's a crack though.
Not a pit.
I can still right myself up, maybe with a scratch here and there, but I'll be okay. I need to stop focusing on where he's going to go and how he's going to be without me when the reality is were just on different paths.
31-35, F
