I came across a post with this meme that said, “ The problem is everyone is looking for unconditional love carrying around a bag of conditions“ and my immediate thought was I don’t want someone to love me ‘unconditionally’. Of course I’d want to be appreciated for who I am, empathy, and treated with compassion, but I absolutely want them to be kind to themselves, have healthy boundaries with others, have wants and needs they understand and can communicate”
People should have those conditions and stop romanticizing self destruction as how we measure the depth/purity of love. It’s utter bs. So many people treat each other badly or have allowed themselves to be treated badly because of this disturbing implication that to not let someone treat you badly somehow means you don’t love them fully. Eff that..
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That is kind of my point though. I don’t want to be in a state where I lose all regard for my own well-being and I don’t want them to loose regard for their well-being either because they ‘love me unconditionally’.
They should have healthy terms for people to stay in their life. It shouldn’t cause an existential crisis to let someone go who treats us badly because the toxic beliefs about true love/relationships have been undermined.
Opposite side of that same coin : when somebody treats someone badly and that person eventually leaves, it’s not ‘proof’ to get self-righteous about. Their belief that if someone really loved them unconditionally they’d endure the obstacle course is very toxic.
@WhateverWorks I don’t believe loving unconditionally is meant to sacrifice oneself. I think it’s more about recognition and compassion. For example - the alcoholic that steals money for booze. The person can still be held to account for the actions and still be loved. In the sense of love that I understand he has this problem of addiction and the person without the addiction is there - they just can’t see it in themselves to stop. I can love that person because I can see that person is not their addiction and chooses to live within the chaos of their life. It is their life not mine.
I agree with you in terms of acceptance, empathy, and compassion for their disposition without judgement/projection. At the same time, it becomes a contradiction because at a certain you either have to choose to assert your boundaries (conditions) or allow yourself to be harmed (to have no conditions) @Canuckle
@WhateverWorks if I love you I will assert my boundaries. If I don’t I am feeling self pity for you and not love. Expressing boundaries is an expression of love. If I buy the alcoholic alcohol I am killing him. If I give him money because of his alcoholic spending I am killing him. If I say no and provide alternatives that I am willing to commit to - I am expressing love.
To choose not to enable is a clearer line, but what about when they steal from you, lie, or are volatile? (Not to say that all people who struggle with alcoholism do this. Only giving examples of harm that might come up) @Canuckle
@WhateverWorks I feel that depends on the spiritual strength of the person. Like for instance my cousin that SA me as a kid. I haven’t found it in me to love him yet. But I am trying because if I can find that unconditional love I can find forgiveness and in the end I can move forward from the trauma. It is within the individual to find the unconditional love.
I don’t want to use that example for what I’m about to say because I think it could be too personal/triggering, but, in general, if someone is actively harming you what does unconditional love look like in that situation? @Canuckle
@WhateverWorks I have a child that will verbally say things and can be a bit physical. I have to be direct with him and clarify my boundaries. However, I love him as my child, but my boundaries need to be firm.
Then their presence in your life is not unconditional, no? I mean, one could argue that the love remains from a far, but then what does that make love other than a decision to live with equanimity, acceptance and compassion? Granted, I’m fine with the Buddhist viewpoint except that viewpoint is based on non-attachment, the opposite of staying in a toxic dynamic to prove their love/spiritual depth as ‘unconditional’.@Canuckle
@WhateverWorks I read this book a Religion of Ones Own by Thomas Moore. It shaped my own way of perception by incorporating the goodness of all into my own beliefs. Your concept of what love could be is very similar to my perception. We must love and not judge. I can love the person pushing a shopping cart full of bottles as much as I love my child. If not potentially more so. If I place conditions like education level or appearance or other then my love is conditional. I must continue to have spiritual growth so that I may accept yourself and love you only simply with text. This is probably why I like SW. it keeps other judgmental conditions silenced.
