I Find Honesty and Trust Very Important In Any Relationship

Which is exactly why my relationship is "complicated" - I recently learned that my S/O has been lying to me about some major things since the beginning, and now the trust that I used to have in him is completely shattered. He tried to present things in a way that made it seem like I was overreacting or just misunderstood things - but he recently had to admit to having an entire other relationship he had lied to me about for months. He has kids whom I love with all my heart, or else I would have been out of this weeks ago when I learned that truth. I just can't figure out how to leave those little ones - I've never been so close to any children and can't imagine never hearing them call me mommy again - but I know I can't stay with their dad just so I can continue to be in their lives and love them. I had concerns about him lying to me a long time ago but ignored my instincts, and now I have to pay the price, but he's still lying to me and I just cannot live a life where I question every single thing said and done.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

SubmittedHeart · 51-55, F

Wow, I honestly didn't expect much of a reaction to this so I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who is commenting - it really helps a lot, and I really appreciate people taking time to say something. I've been feeling really stupid for getting this far into this relationship, so it's nice that others can help me not be so hard on myself about this. Thank you again.

Stefan136 · 26-30, M

@SubmittedHeart Not a problem. In relationships, I've always been honest. Honest enough to end one if things don't work out and not cheat and make a fool out of that person. If I wanted to have an affair, I'd just imagine a scenario where the significant other is the cheater and just have fun with them, as they are the close ones for me and not others. But i wouldn't resort to something so low.

I used to get mad when this would happen, and I know from experience! My first ex attempted cheating once, so I get you. I wanted to cave her face in for that back then, I was punching the walls in fury when I found out. But i just instead told her other boy that she was taken and ruined it for her. :)

PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M

[SubmittedHeart...now the hard part. Do you want to stay bad enough and can he change?

updown2020 · 61-69, M

@PTCdresser57 well that’s a hard one because cannot get away Scott free having his cake and eating wow he would be in heaven . But if it’s for the kids well why should they suffer. But can she keep all that in?

PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M

Updown2020..it really is up to him to change and do things to prove she can trust him. Firsttime he lies again...gone..no matter what. Thats my opinion.

SubmittedHeart · 51-55, F

@PTCdresser57 That is exactly what I have been wrestling with for a few weeks now. I personally believe anybody can change if they want - I guess the question is does he feel there's something strong enough between us to make him stop lying to me? That may not necessarily be fair of me to view it that way, but he knows how much his lies have hurt me, yet he keeps lying to me. I definitely wanted to stay, but just last weekend I found a second cell phone he's kept hidden from me, and given what I learned a few weeks ago, I can't help but think he's keeping it to talk to someone that he's trying to hide from me. I used to think he lied because people never really accepted him and that he needed someone to show him they truly did love him and then he could settle into being his honest, authentic self - at least with me - but he's lying to me about things he's doing against me and against our relationship. I think I could hang in with him while he learned not to lie out of some defense mechanism, but to know he's been lying about at least one other woman... I just can't get past that.

PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M

SubmittedHeart..now that you have disclosed this...I would so be done with him. I feel bad for you and the kids but your life must go on.

updown2020 · 61-69, M

@PTCdresser57 Well as I see it he has lied twice already and kept on lying and made it out that she was causing all the problems which is very bad and someone like that is very dangerous for her and the kids because you never know what he is up to. I would suggest that if she stays well is phone and online stuff she has access to no questions ask and also bank statements and she enables the gps on his phone where she can track him at any given time, And if it is possible they sleep separately to.