I have random thoughts too! (Well some admittedly I've found on the internet here and there..) But I wrote them all down so far.

"I tried to donate my liver to science, but they wouldn't take it. Next time I'm going to add some sautéed onions and a light sauce and see how that goes."

“A man who was attempting to circle the world in a hot-air balloon died today, when he stepped out of the balloon to admire it from a distance.”

“Have you ever tried backing out of a drive-in bank?”

“Walk up to someone on the street and say; ‘Pardon me, I have nothing to say!’”

“Go into a gift shop and ask for your gift.”

“Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored that they go out for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.”

“In 50 years from now, will retirement homes host LAN parties?”

“Next time you’re at a wishing well, ask to see the manager. Tell him or her that you’ve been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true!"

“Instead of bringing a glove to the baseball game, why not bring a bat?”

“Be decisive. Whether it’s right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.”

“If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?”

“Why is it called a building when it’s already built?”

“If you break the laws of man, you go to jail. If you break the laws of God, you go to Hell. If you break the laws of physics, you go to Sweden and receive a Nobel Prize.”

“Silence is Golden, and Duct Tape is Silver.”

“Fun Fact about Cats: When you fall and break a hip, they’ll just lay down and enjoy the show.”

“Would ants hallucinate if they took antacids?”

“When Donald Trump dies, will there be a giant wall built around his grave?”