I Have Something to Say
I have a struggle. A constant war with myself everyday from the moment I wake up til I sleep again. Sometimes it even invades my dreams, my one place of peace and belonging.
I was diagnosed with chronic depression, bipolar disorder (the sad one not the angry one), and mild schizophrenia before I was even old enough to drive. I have been heavily medicated all of my teenage years for these mental disorders and feel as though my formative years were spent as a zombie. When I turned 18 I lost my health insurance that paid for those very very expensive daily medications. Since then, with the help of intense therapy since before I was diagnosed, I have fought hard to learn how to force my brain to think, process, and act "normal" or at least in a way that is acceptable.
I was born with a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to be sad, and distrusting, and self depreciating. But by making a huge daily conscious effort I am able on the best of days to lock it in a box deep in the back of my mind. But when things start looking bleak and I'm constantly battered on all sides, my control starts to crack. I stop smiling, then I stop talking as much, then I sleep more, then the awful hateful spiteful words start screaming in my head. "Useless" "worthless" "failure" "waste of space" "not good enough, never good enough" "unwanted" "unloveable" .....and it gets harder to fight back each day. Then all it takes is another minor incident that only seems to confirm those nasty words I call myself and I'm over the edge. I isolate myself. I'm shaking. I cry at everything and nothing at all. I just want to be held but I hate myself for my weakness and refuse to let anyone see me like this. I'm torn between screaming for help and comfort and defying the odds once again and pulling myself out like the strong good little girl I am, because who has time to deal with my messed up mind anyways? It's all in my head isn't it. It's not "real" I'm overreacting. The layers of despair and defeat will just go away if I try hard enough. Besides, do you know how hard it is to love a crazy girl? She's annoying you one second and the next she's crying and won't leave you to take a shower in peace and then she turns around and locks herself in the closet for hours on end....
I have a struggle. A constant war with myself. And it makes me feel like I am less of a person for it.
I was diagnosed with chronic depression, bipolar disorder (the sad one not the angry one), and mild schizophrenia before I was even old enough to drive. I have been heavily medicated all of my teenage years for these mental disorders and feel as though my formative years were spent as a zombie. When I turned 18 I lost my health insurance that paid for those very very expensive daily medications. Since then, with the help of intense therapy since before I was diagnosed, I have fought hard to learn how to force my brain to think, process, and act "normal" or at least in a way that is acceptable.
I was born with a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to be sad, and distrusting, and self depreciating. But by making a huge daily conscious effort I am able on the best of days to lock it in a box deep in the back of my mind. But when things start looking bleak and I'm constantly battered on all sides, my control starts to crack. I stop smiling, then I stop talking as much, then I sleep more, then the awful hateful spiteful words start screaming in my head. "Useless" "worthless" "failure" "waste of space" "not good enough, never good enough" "unwanted" "unloveable" .....and it gets harder to fight back each day. Then all it takes is another minor incident that only seems to confirm those nasty words I call myself and I'm over the edge. I isolate myself. I'm shaking. I cry at everything and nothing at all. I just want to be held but I hate myself for my weakness and refuse to let anyone see me like this. I'm torn between screaming for help and comfort and defying the odds once again and pulling myself out like the strong good little girl I am, because who has time to deal with my messed up mind anyways? It's all in my head isn't it. It's not "real" I'm overreacting. The layers of despair and defeat will just go away if I try hard enough. Besides, do you know how hard it is to love a crazy girl? She's annoying you one second and the next she's crying and won't leave you to take a shower in peace and then she turns around and locks herself in the closet for hours on end....
I have a struggle. A constant war with myself. And it makes me feel like I am less of a person for it.
31-35, F
