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I Have Something to Say

Some days I become very self absorbed and I feel numb. I forget everything that surrounds me and things which directly effect me. It feels there's no such thing as emotion. But I get little lonely so I stand before mirror. I silently hope my reflection will give me a hand and tell me things that I wish to hear, even if that's a lie. But more I wait with anticipation, longer my reflection plays with my trust and hope, until I reach to a point I end up withdrawing myself away from the mirror. Alost a year ago I broke my mirror in that process too. But anyway.

By that time, some strange thoughts slip into my space, often uninvited. I call those catalysts which accelerate the deterioration of that shield which I use to guard myself from my own broken images. And before I realise, my self absorbed mind submits to anger and then sadness. I get very restless which is untamed and unchecked; that alone consumes the remaining bit of spirit. I feel a part of me laughing at me for my choices and for my beliefs. This continues for days or months. I don't feel regret for my faith. Those were and are genuine.

But there are responsibilities. I lock that chaos somewhere and purposely allow myself to forget. That's a failed attempt which I've been employing for years unsuccessfully. Yet that's my only choice.

While walking through this insanity, sometimes I dare to believe deliberately knowing the consequences could be bad. And it's gone from bad to worse over the time. I don't blame anyone even if out of frustration I've had pointed fingers at others when I'm supposed to blame myself only.

I often forget that no matter how many waves hit that shore never will it see a life growing from the breast of that soil. Yet I hope. May be one day...
Fuck me. Sounds like I’m talking to myself.

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