I Have Something to Say
I am a survivor...
Have you ever gone through a psychological crisis? If not, let me tell you it's worse than anything you can imagine. It's like suddenly you have inadvertently turned against yourself. It was the worst phase of my life. I am sharing this story so that it might help someone who is going through what i have been through.
I always had a happy go lucky attitude with my life. Been lucky to be born in a family where i didn't have to worry about much. I was a very athletic person and never believed i could become unhealthy. I always looked down at people who were unhealthy physically, thinking they were plain lazy and didn't workout enough. And those with mental issues, i thought were sissies and weird to be honest. I got a job in another city quite far from home after i completed studies, i was 24 then. Things went normally for a couple of years. Earning my own money was cool and i used to splurge it on having fun with other friends who had started their careers with me.
Around 2008 if you would remember, there was a recession coming. There were talks at my company that they might let go few of their employees. They started interviewing and analyzing what everyone did and if they were "critical to the company". It was decided that some of us in my team would be let go of, as we weren't currently deployed on any projects. This made me big impact on me. I didn't want to feel the social stigma of being the person who couldn't keep his job. I started doing everything i could be to not be that person. I spoke to my manager and his manager about this. They told me i need to take up more responsibilities than i currently handled. It so happened that i was part of 3 teams. Many people were laid off, i wasn't because i was doing the work of three people. I was relieved to know this but i couldn't cope with the pressure and stress of working so much. Moreover, the other two teams i was working on had few of the most accomplished jerks. They knew i was scared and wouldn't say no to anything. They would dump all their work on me. For me it was like i had suddenly grown up in a month and looked at life more practically. I would work very hard trying to learn new technologies. I had to not just learn the technology but also provide support on those technologies. It continued like this for few months, i would work my arse off on weekdays and catch up on technical concepts on weekends. I started managing well at work with passing time but my personal life suffered. Few of my close friends were let go off, so i was basically alone now away from home. Suddenly my outlook had changed. I thought life is work and work is life. I just couldn't stop thinking about work. It had become a obsession. I would lay on my bed revising what i had learned. Inspired by the thought that i will be the most critical resource to the organization.
This went on for close to a year. Only, i wasn't the same person anymore. I couldn't talk to my friends or family like i previously did. I thought i had become a practical person and time is never to be wasted. They were worried from the way i sounded on phone. With passing time i had developed insomnia and hypertension. I would be tired all the time. Saw doctors and was put on meds for sleep and hypertension. Only it didn't help. I had also developed sleep apnea in few weeks. Whenever i tried to sleep and was about to crossover to sleep...i would stop breathing. Suddenly i would be jolted out of sleep, out of breath and panting. So even meds couldn't put me to sleep. Few more months and i started having terrible anxiety-attacks and heart palpitations. If you never had anxiety attacks you don't know what it is. It's like you're scared of your own body. This went on for years and i had developed many kind of phobia. Phobia of being alone, being in crowd, being in open spaces. A thought or something someone said would trigger anxiety attacks and phobias. I would request people to watch over me while i tried to sleep and if something happened to me in sleep to call up an ambulance. They thought i was going crazy. I think i really was maybe...there was a part of me that would look at me and pity me. It would ask me "what have you become?!!". I became a recluse...i would go see many doctors and ask them to help me out. They would listen to me and prescribe more medicines but to no avail. At work whenever i got those panic attacks i would rush to the toilet and sit there and try to talk myself into normalcy. Suddenly i felt that everyone knew what i was going through and they were judging me. That they were laughing behind my back. I would look at them and with anger...there was this part of me all through this which remained calm and sane. It would tell me "dont do that man they will think you're paranoid" but i couldn't help it. It went on for years and i had become physically and mentally weak.
Science, doctors couldn't explain what was happening to me. I had turned into a cynic. Very cynical 24*7. I would always be pissed. I was scared i wouldn't live up to 30. I had been rushed to hospital over 20 times thinking i was gonna die. I thought i would be alright if i went home with my family. I took leave at work and went home. But in stead of getting better it became worse. Everone was helpless. I was shattered then...my last resort didn't work out. I gave up hope. I was scared of going out. Of watching tv, as they showed nat geo and they would show animals with sharp teeth and it would trigger my anxiety attacks. I used to think i will be safe with my mom and dad but no. It was not to be.
But there was this voice in me that always look at me and tell me what have you become. This is now you. Then one day i was outside and leapt for something and fell and broke my leg in mysterious conditions. I was off work for the next few months. Now this inner voice told me to quit depending on others and it's about time i took things in your own hands. And i did that. I promised myself that i will un-fukk my life. I started many things, working out regularly, eating healthy diet etc for months. but again to no avail. Then one day my innerself or innervoice told me something i can never forget. It told me you're not your thoughts, emotions or your situations. That i am something bigger than these things. Suddenly, i found something i had been missing all my life. I knew what it was but i couldnt describe it. But something deep inside me awakened and i knew at that very moment that i will be alright now. Suddenly i found myself drawn to spirituality. Within weeks my insomnia and hypertension were gone. I stopped taking any meds. In a couple of months my sleep apnea, anxiety attacks and phbias were gone. I was so elated at having cured myself. I wanted to tell evryone that i had cured myself. That i will love beyond 30 and much more now. As i turned to spirituality, i read up on it and practiced it, i discovered i had already found what they were talking about in their books. In the next few years i seriously pursued spiritual practices and know things now which i couldn't have known otherwise intellectually...
I am thankful today for that seemingly worse period of my life, i owe all my growth and knowing to that period. It was a blessing in disguise. Now i am supremely confident that i wont lose my health or sanity again...
Have you ever gone through a psychological crisis? If not, let me tell you it's worse than anything you can imagine. It's like suddenly you have inadvertently turned against yourself. It was the worst phase of my life. I am sharing this story so that it might help someone who is going through what i have been through.
I always had a happy go lucky attitude with my life. Been lucky to be born in a family where i didn't have to worry about much. I was a very athletic person and never believed i could become unhealthy. I always looked down at people who were unhealthy physically, thinking they were plain lazy and didn't workout enough. And those with mental issues, i thought were sissies and weird to be honest. I got a job in another city quite far from home after i completed studies, i was 24 then. Things went normally for a couple of years. Earning my own money was cool and i used to splurge it on having fun with other friends who had started their careers with me.
Around 2008 if you would remember, there was a recession coming. There were talks at my company that they might let go few of their employees. They started interviewing and analyzing what everyone did and if they were "critical to the company". It was decided that some of us in my team would be let go of, as we weren't currently deployed on any projects. This made me big impact on me. I didn't want to feel the social stigma of being the person who couldn't keep his job. I started doing everything i could be to not be that person. I spoke to my manager and his manager about this. They told me i need to take up more responsibilities than i currently handled. It so happened that i was part of 3 teams. Many people were laid off, i wasn't because i was doing the work of three people. I was relieved to know this but i couldn't cope with the pressure and stress of working so much. Moreover, the other two teams i was working on had few of the most accomplished jerks. They knew i was scared and wouldn't say no to anything. They would dump all their work on me. For me it was like i had suddenly grown up in a month and looked at life more practically. I would work very hard trying to learn new technologies. I had to not just learn the technology but also provide support on those technologies. It continued like this for few months, i would work my arse off on weekdays and catch up on technical concepts on weekends. I started managing well at work with passing time but my personal life suffered. Few of my close friends were let go off, so i was basically alone now away from home. Suddenly my outlook had changed. I thought life is work and work is life. I just couldn't stop thinking about work. It had become a obsession. I would lay on my bed revising what i had learned. Inspired by the thought that i will be the most critical resource to the organization.
This went on for close to a year. Only, i wasn't the same person anymore. I couldn't talk to my friends or family like i previously did. I thought i had become a practical person and time is never to be wasted. They were worried from the way i sounded on phone. With passing time i had developed insomnia and hypertension. I would be tired all the time. Saw doctors and was put on meds for sleep and hypertension. Only it didn't help. I had also developed sleep apnea in few weeks. Whenever i tried to sleep and was about to crossover to sleep...i would stop breathing. Suddenly i would be jolted out of sleep, out of breath and panting. So even meds couldn't put me to sleep. Few more months and i started having terrible anxiety-attacks and heart palpitations. If you never had anxiety attacks you don't know what it is. It's like you're scared of your own body. This went on for years and i had developed many kind of phobia. Phobia of being alone, being in crowd, being in open spaces. A thought or something someone said would trigger anxiety attacks and phobias. I would request people to watch over me while i tried to sleep and if something happened to me in sleep to call up an ambulance. They thought i was going crazy. I think i really was maybe...there was a part of me that would look at me and pity me. It would ask me "what have you become?!!". I became a recluse...i would go see many doctors and ask them to help me out. They would listen to me and prescribe more medicines but to no avail. At work whenever i got those panic attacks i would rush to the toilet and sit there and try to talk myself into normalcy. Suddenly i felt that everyone knew what i was going through and they were judging me. That they were laughing behind my back. I would look at them and with anger...there was this part of me all through this which remained calm and sane. It would tell me "dont do that man they will think you're paranoid" but i couldn't help it. It went on for years and i had become physically and mentally weak.
Science, doctors couldn't explain what was happening to me. I had turned into a cynic. Very cynical 24*7. I would always be pissed. I was scared i wouldn't live up to 30. I had been rushed to hospital over 20 times thinking i was gonna die. I thought i would be alright if i went home with my family. I took leave at work and went home. But in stead of getting better it became worse. Everone was helpless. I was shattered then...my last resort didn't work out. I gave up hope. I was scared of going out. Of watching tv, as they showed nat geo and they would show animals with sharp teeth and it would trigger my anxiety attacks. I used to think i will be safe with my mom and dad but no. It was not to be.
But there was this voice in me that always look at me and tell me what have you become. This is now you. Then one day i was outside and leapt for something and fell and broke my leg in mysterious conditions. I was off work for the next few months. Now this inner voice told me to quit depending on others and it's about time i took things in your own hands. And i did that. I promised myself that i will un-fukk my life. I started many things, working out regularly, eating healthy diet etc for months. but again to no avail. Then one day my innerself or innervoice told me something i can never forget. It told me you're not your thoughts, emotions or your situations. That i am something bigger than these things. Suddenly, i found something i had been missing all my life. I knew what it was but i couldnt describe it. But something deep inside me awakened and i knew at that very moment that i will be alright now. Suddenly i found myself drawn to spirituality. Within weeks my insomnia and hypertension were gone. I stopped taking any meds. In a couple of months my sleep apnea, anxiety attacks and phbias were gone. I was so elated at having cured myself. I wanted to tell evryone that i had cured myself. That i will love beyond 30 and much more now. As i turned to spirituality, i read up on it and practiced it, i discovered i had already found what they were talking about in their books. In the next few years i seriously pursued spiritual practices and know things now which i couldn't have known otherwise intellectually...
I am thankful today for that seemingly worse period of my life, i owe all my growth and knowing to that period. It was a blessing in disguise. Now i am supremely confident that i wont lose my health or sanity again...
