I Have Something to Say
How I wish I felt like anyone actually cared about me. It seems like I give, and give, and give, but little gets returned. All the "thanks" that come my way are welcome, but they rarely seem heartfelt.
It doesn't matter who they are husband, kids, friends, family... they all want, and I provide to the best of my ability, but it doesn't feel like anyone gives back.
I can't say they never do, but what is given comes at random, no one is consistent. I don't feel like I am valued. I don't feel like I am a priority to those I care about. They all say nice things, but their actions tell me I am not what I wish I was to them.
Even in the times I try to do things for myself, give in to being a little selfish, invariably someone else wants in, wants to be part of what I am doing. And I give in, not wanting to deny those that I care for, and "my" moment becomes something for someone else.
I tell myself that it's because I am loved and appreciated that they want to join in, but I can't shake the feeling that they just want something more from me.
I realize that I am not without blame. I can't seem to say no. I feel built to provide. It's what I love to do, but I wish it felt like someone wanted to give back to me.
And, I'm sorry, but all these contrived occurrences, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, etc., what's given on those days seems so fake. All the best times to be show appreciation happen on nameless days.
Half the damn time they don't even remember anniversaries or my stupid birthday. It's usually over half the day through that they come to "remember". "Remember"... if it wasn't for FB, or talking to each other I wonder how many of these days would pass without ever being noticed?
Every one of them carries a damn phone, how hard is it to set a calendar reminder? For God's sake, I could tell you all of their birthdays by memory alone.
What do I know...
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm just angry, and jaded, and self absorbed.
But is it so bad to want to feel wanted and appreciated? To feel important to those around you? To wish to be show what you mean them to them? To feel that words alone are not enough?
I don't know.
It doesn't matter who they are husband, kids, friends, family... they all want, and I provide to the best of my ability, but it doesn't feel like anyone gives back.
I can't say they never do, but what is given comes at random, no one is consistent. I don't feel like I am valued. I don't feel like I am a priority to those I care about. They all say nice things, but their actions tell me I am not what I wish I was to them.
Even in the times I try to do things for myself, give in to being a little selfish, invariably someone else wants in, wants to be part of what I am doing. And I give in, not wanting to deny those that I care for, and "my" moment becomes something for someone else.
I tell myself that it's because I am loved and appreciated that they want to join in, but I can't shake the feeling that they just want something more from me.
I realize that I am not without blame. I can't seem to say no. I feel built to provide. It's what I love to do, but I wish it felt like someone wanted to give back to me.
And, I'm sorry, but all these contrived occurrences, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, etc., what's given on those days seems so fake. All the best times to be show appreciation happen on nameless days.
Half the damn time they don't even remember anniversaries or my stupid birthday. It's usually over half the day through that they come to "remember". "Remember"... if it wasn't for FB, or talking to each other I wonder how many of these days would pass without ever being noticed?
Every one of them carries a damn phone, how hard is it to set a calendar reminder? For God's sake, I could tell you all of their birthdays by memory alone.
What do I know...
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm just angry, and jaded, and self absorbed.
But is it so bad to want to feel wanted and appreciated? To feel important to those around you? To wish to be show what you mean them to them? To feel that words alone are not enough?
I don't know.
41-45, F
