I Have Something to Say

Have you ever laid next to someone you think the world of and wish nothing more then to have them in your arms but just couldnt ? That’s my living hell the past two weeks. I’m able to break free of that for the first time today and it still affects me in a million and one ways. This is the most elaborate method of self harm I have inflicted upon myself in a long, long time.

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ordinaryMe · 31-35, F

It is a terrible feeling when you know someone is not good for you, yet you care for them so much you can't let go, so you sacrifice your happiness just to have them near you. You will make so many compromises, do things you never knew you would, just to make sure they stay with you just that one more day.. and when the bubble bursts instead of asking yourself how could you be so stupid, you dig a deeper grave asking yourself 'what more could i have done to keep them'...

SW-User

I went out of my way to point out the things worth saving. I also went out of my way to convince her the good doesnt outweigh the negatives in our relationship. Against everything I cherish and hold dear and my ardent desire to selfishly beg her to stay, I convinced her to let go. I always find new ways to hurt myself. Laughably ridiculous @ordinaryMe

ordinaryMe · 31-35, F

Was letting go supposed to be good for you, her or both?
I am desperately doing the opposite. Trying to convince him to stay, even though we're not even together. It was all complicated from the start and what was supposed to be a one night stand turned out to follow me for the next 7 months of my life and I seem to cling to it so hard, I am too afraid to let go.. it's funny how you can now something is killing you from the inside, yet you still put a mask on and convince yourself it's not that bad.

SW-User

Letting go was supposed to be good for the both of us. I never quite recovered from a relationship before that. She didnt either. We found each other at a most difficult time. It’s what kept us together. We were more of a distraction for each other and a temporary cathasis@ordinaryMe

ordinaryMe · 31-35, F

That's even more painful as now you have two relationships to recover from.. There is no good solution for it but it seems like you have done the best thing you could have done for yourself at this point.

SW-User

@ordinaryMe I agree. I still kept the pictures and feign a friendship that is killing me.

ordinaryMe · 31-35, F

It's annoying how self destructive we can be. Keeping things that we're telling ourselves are cherished memories or lessons learnt, when actually they're just one more bullet in a loaded gun that we put against our own temples.

SW-User

It’s not healthy @ordinaryMe

ordinaryMe · 31-35, F

I'm afraid that not healthy is an understatement in this case.

SW-User

Somewhere in there is the will to move on. We just got to find it. @ordinaryMe

ordinaryMe · 31-35, F

Yeah... it is really annoying though when you know you should and you constantly complain about the situation but at the same time, you're oddly comfortable in your misery so you just stick to it, instead of doing something about it.

SW-User

Misery loves company. I’m an ear away if you want to just talk @ordinaryMe

ordinaryMe · 31-35, F

Misery does love company indeed. I would love to vent about it as it would be helpful to get a new perspective on it but I'm a little bit worried that if I start I won't stop

SW-User

Nevertheless, the offer stands. 🤗@ordinaryMe

ordinaryMe · 31-35, F

Thank you! ☺️ Im not even sure where I'd start to be honest, it's been so long since I actually talked to someone. Which is a bit ironic, considering that I am pretty much a counselor for a living.

SW-User

Even a counselor needs a patient ear sometimes. We’re all authors of our own misery. Doesn’t mean we do not hold the keys to mending ourselves. @ordinaryMe

ordinaryMe · 31-35, F

It is true. I guess it is a bit more difficult for a counselor to let it all out because we're expected to deal with everyone's problems as well as our own. It is hard to look for the keys, when you feel like you've thrown them away for what you thought was a good reason.

SW-User

@ordinaryMe You’re not expected to deal with your problems alone. You’re stretching yourself thin

ordinaryMe · 31-35, F

What do you usually do to deal with heart problems?

SW-User

I used to drink my problems away. I dont really have people I talk to in real life about it. Hence why I am back here. My sobriety means alot to me these days @ordinaryMe