I Have Something to Say

I wish you knew just how badly you hurt me. You meant a lot to me when you were around despite me telling myself I wouldn't get attached. You almost made me believe you would be the one to prove me wrong, but in the end, you just proved me right like the others before you. I never meant anything to you. If I did, you wouldn't have so easily abandoned me the way you did. The worst part of it is that I still miss you with each day that passes me by. I can still see your stupid smile in my head that always warmed my heart to see. I can still hear your voice and your dumb, stupid jokes. I remember the stories you told me about of your youth and the laughs we shared. I remember the way you looked at me like I actually meant something to you - your eyes were so warm, so inviting. Despite my unease, you always found a way to settle me down without even knowing it. I hate that I miss you as much as I do. I really wish I didn't, because all I remember are the good things. I idealize what you were in my head. At the end of the day, you abandoned me when I opened up to you about my anxiety and asked to wait a little longer before meeting to be alone with you. You left me for months TWICE - first without explanation, and then when I opened up. Both times, you came back as if nothing ever happened. I chose to give you another chance without issue when you came back the first time, thought people could change, remembered the good times...but then you did it again with worse consequences to my psyche. My heart hurts every day that passes me by because of having to push you away, but I know it was for the best. I will not let anyone take advantage of my emotions again and I will not excuse others for the hurt they cause my any longer. I will not chance people anymore when I constantly wear my heart on my sleeve and allow people to get to know me like an open book. If you're unhappy with what you read and you walk away, I will not run after you. It is your decision and ultimately your own loss. I only want healthy relationships in my life.
You said lots of sweet things. You said we could work beautifully together. You said you were patient. That you'd wait for me. That I was worth the wait.
It hurts me every single day to remember you, but I know I did the right thing in pushing you away when you tried to come back again.
My only wish is that you hadn't been such a good liar. Sweet words don't easily masquerade as truths with me, but that doesn't mean they don't hurt. Doesn't mean they don't replay in my head every single day.
I hate you.
I genuinely despise you.
Yet, even as I write it, my heart aches because I know I really don't.
I wish I did, but I don't.
I wish you the best in life and so much happiness and love.
You hurt me - you hurt me worse than you know - but I don't want you to hurt.
I want you to be happy.
Just sucks that you've basically ruined the same for me for the foreseeable future.