4am ramblings
It's unfortunate to like your job and be very good at it, but because of bad management and uncaring coworkers, you can't do your job properly much less to your full ability.
Like a relationship where you love the one you're with, but because they're tired of putting in the effort, you exhaust yourself trying to keep the fire burning. Until your libido is dead and you're uncomfortable being around them.
Like co-parenting with someone you made sure would be a good parent and believed in, but one day they decide they don't give shit about themselves anymore and they make it harder for you to be a good parent.
Then living in a society that only cares about money and how things look, so you can't have friends or go in public because people think you're trash. You get half ass medical care and your kid gets bullied because he doesn't wear expensive clothing.
Life is a lot of meh. I've transcended disappointment and resignation. I used to self harm until I realized I'm not the problem. And I take the blame and everyone's evasion all the time because I'm "weird" and because I give a shit. Because I have the balls to speak up for what's right. Even though I know it's pointless in a world packed with selfish people.
I barely scrape by working seven days a week. I can't be as good of a mom because I have no support. I can't have support, friends or family because I'm weird. My child is bored and unchallenged in school because even when I speak up nobody listens or cares.
And people's advice is the most basic, apathetic, non-understanding, conformist garbage I couldn't even fathom giving.
If I was dumb as a rock I'm sure I'd believe "everything will be okay" too, but I know better. Sure, life will go on. I could drop dead and my child would be devastated and nobody would care about him either. That's why humans fking scare me so much. We are not a society, not a community. We're born into a narrow path, put in blinders and told if we have it good it's because we deserve it. Those going through hardship, those without support, those who need, cannot be a part of your family, your life.
We're not protecting ourselves by thinking we're above others feelings, by pushing people in need away. We're draining ourselves.
The moment I started giving again, I felt full. It was maintaining the walls and "boundaries" that exhausted me. Boundaries aren't for separation. I don't believe they're even for protection. What I've learned of boundaries is you give with limits, but it doesn't mean any one particular person or situation deserves nothing. It doesn't mean we pick and choose what is best for us alone. We exist together. You're not too good. You're not saving yourself by not caring. You're bringing down the energy with the positivity you've twisted into self serving nonsense. You're stifling possibility and improvement. Existence doesn't revolve around you.
But we are so small. Small minded. Ignorance is truly bliss. And we believe avoiding the undesirable in ourselves and others is helping us 😂 no, it's exhausting and low level thinking. It shrinks us. It shrinks everyone around us.
I don't know why I care. It seems important to me to acknowledge people's existence at the very least. That small bit of kindness can have such a huge impact on everyone involved yet we stuff ourselves in an idea that if we self-care and self-love we will be happier. But if we were to be honest, it doesn't really work. It might make an individual's ego feel good to pretend life revolves around them, but it'll end up being the destruction of humanity. The selfishness and the greed we can't admit it is. We'll all go down together because of it. The irony of drowning together is that it will feel so lonely. I think a lot of us are already lonely in our little worlds of self. But we cling to them, never knowing how beautiful it would be if we shared, if we cared, if we were open and honest.
Like a relationship where you love the one you're with, but because they're tired of putting in the effort, you exhaust yourself trying to keep the fire burning. Until your libido is dead and you're uncomfortable being around them.
Like co-parenting with someone you made sure would be a good parent and believed in, but one day they decide they don't give shit about themselves anymore and they make it harder for you to be a good parent.
Then living in a society that only cares about money and how things look, so you can't have friends or go in public because people think you're trash. You get half ass medical care and your kid gets bullied because he doesn't wear expensive clothing.
Life is a lot of meh. I've transcended disappointment and resignation. I used to self harm until I realized I'm not the problem. And I take the blame and everyone's evasion all the time because I'm "weird" and because I give a shit. Because I have the balls to speak up for what's right. Even though I know it's pointless in a world packed with selfish people.
I barely scrape by working seven days a week. I can't be as good of a mom because I have no support. I can't have support, friends or family because I'm weird. My child is bored and unchallenged in school because even when I speak up nobody listens or cares.
And people's advice is the most basic, apathetic, non-understanding, conformist garbage I couldn't even fathom giving.
If I was dumb as a rock I'm sure I'd believe "everything will be okay" too, but I know better. Sure, life will go on. I could drop dead and my child would be devastated and nobody would care about him either. That's why humans fking scare me so much. We are not a society, not a community. We're born into a narrow path, put in blinders and told if we have it good it's because we deserve it. Those going through hardship, those without support, those who need, cannot be a part of your family, your life.
We're not protecting ourselves by thinking we're above others feelings, by pushing people in need away. We're draining ourselves.
The moment I started giving again, I felt full. It was maintaining the walls and "boundaries" that exhausted me. Boundaries aren't for separation. I don't believe they're even for protection. What I've learned of boundaries is you give with limits, but it doesn't mean any one particular person or situation deserves nothing. It doesn't mean we pick and choose what is best for us alone. We exist together. You're not too good. You're not saving yourself by not caring. You're bringing down the energy with the positivity you've twisted into self serving nonsense. You're stifling possibility and improvement. Existence doesn't revolve around you.
But we are so small. Small minded. Ignorance is truly bliss. And we believe avoiding the undesirable in ourselves and others is helping us 😂 no, it's exhausting and low level thinking. It shrinks us. It shrinks everyone around us.
I don't know why I care. It seems important to me to acknowledge people's existence at the very least. That small bit of kindness can have such a huge impact on everyone involved yet we stuff ourselves in an idea that if we self-care and self-love we will be happier. But if we were to be honest, it doesn't really work. It might make an individual's ego feel good to pretend life revolves around them, but it'll end up being the destruction of humanity. The selfishness and the greed we can't admit it is. We'll all go down together because of it. The irony of drowning together is that it will feel so lonely. I think a lot of us are already lonely in our little worlds of self. But we cling to them, never knowing how beautiful it would be if we shared, if we cared, if we were open and honest.
41-45, F
