I'll Keep Your Secret

I'll stop talking about her. I've put up two posts about her but I have to stop. It's just I've been carrying this around and I had to release it another way. I've exercised, meditated, read, I even drank....but it rips open the wounds and this is salted. Even as I type this my eyes are welling and I have to stop the tears from streaming -- I cannot cry about this!! I cannot!!! I knew better than to let my emotions in. I even caught myself feeling that giddiness when ever I saw her, or got a message from her. I knew that was wrong - I knew it!!
Am I happy for them? Of course, and of course not! I think about everything: Her personality, her intelligence, her laugh, her outlook on life, her tenderness, her toughness.....
But it has to be this way. It simply has to be this way. That's simply how it is.
I put on a smile and pretend I'm okay.
I'm sorry I took up your time -- I promise I won't write about her anymore.

It's just that.......it hurts.
y'know?

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

SW-User

Thank you 'MellyMel22' - maybe I should move on but right now she has no one to confide in except me. That was fine: I didn't have any feelings for her. But she needed - and still needs - someone to listen to her as she talks. I know this won't last very much longer: they'll move away eventually and before then she won't need me as her listening post. I cannot deny the emotional sanctuary she needs. I simply cannot do that. I'll find diversions or pour myself into what ever diversions I have now. What ever I have to do, I'll do it. She's tough but right now she's very fragile - I cannot let her down. She needs a friend who won't try to get under her bra or in her pants. I don't want to do either. She's far too special for something that shallow.
I mean don't get me wrong - I AM a guy y'know - but this goddamit i'm welling up this isn't about sex. She's terrific. She's an angel, she has a beautiful spirit a wonderful soul and I don't want any damage done to her.
She likes him and he likes her, so that's good. I know she looks at me as a friend and a silly friend. That's how it needs to stay. She doesn't need ......she needs a friend. an ear. I've gone on about her again and I said I wouldn't I'm a fool and I need to stop before I become an even bigger fool
i'm sorry
dammit this hurts dammit