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Trump Explains the Seven Wars He Stopped
1. Afghanistan – “The Forever War”
“Look, folks, I did what no one else could do. Obama couldn’t do it, Bush couldn’t do it. I made a deal with the Taliban. Very strong deal. I said, ‘You stop fighting, we stop wasting money.’ Billions and billions saved. The military loved it. They respected me. We were bringing our great soldiers home. No more forever wars. Tremendous success.”
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2. Korean Missile Crisis
“Everyone said we were going to nuclear war with North Korea. Fire and fury, they said! But then I met Chairman Kim. We wrote beautiful letters—love letters, really. People laughed, but guess what? No war. No nukes flying. The Fake News never gives me credit for saving millions of lives, but I did it. Nobody else could’ve.”
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3. Iran – “World War III That Never Happened”
“They said Soleimani was untouchable. I said, nope, BOOM—gone. Iran was very angry. Very angry! But I told them, ‘If you do anything, your country won’t exist tomorrow.’ And guess what? They didn’t do anything. No World War III, no draft. Biden would’ve started a war. I stopped it. Peace through strength, folks.”
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4. The Spice Wars (Dune)
“Everybody wanted the spice. Tremendous spice. Very valuable, makes people live longer, see the future. But the Harkonnens were treating Arrakis very badly, very unfair. I said, ‘We’re not going to have a spice war. I’ll make the best trade deals with the Atreides—better than anyone.’ Now the spice is flowing, the galaxy is safe, and I’m the only one who could negotiate with sandworms. Believe me.”
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5. Klingon–Federation War (Star Trek)
“The Klingons—tough people, very tough, very strong. The Federation didn’t respect them. Total disrespect! I went to Qo’noS, very dangerous, nobody else would do it. I said, ‘We’re going to make peace. You’re going to love it. You’ll have the best trade deals, the best starships, the best bat’leths.’ They shook my hand, very firm handshake. No war. Starfleet couldn’t do it. I did it.”
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6. The Shadow War (Babylon 5)
*“You had the Shadows, you had the Vorlons—very old, very scary, very nasty. Billions could’ve died. Billions! I told them, ‘You’re both losers. Terrible branding. You’re making the galaxy look weak.’ And they stopped!
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7. The Second War of Middle-earth (Lord of the Rings)
“Mordor was out of control, totally out of control. Orcs everywhere, disgusting creatures. I told Gondor, ‘We’re going to build a wall—an incredible wall—around Mordor. The orcs are going to pay for it, trust me.’ And guess what? No more Dark Lords, no more wars. Aragorn—great guy, very strong jaw—he said, ‘Thank you, Donald.’ The elves love me, the dwarves love me, even the hobbits love me. Sauron? Total loser. Couldn’t compete.”
