I Want to Be Happy
i am travelling in another country alone. i wish i had frds around. i dare not talk to strangers here since i had bad experiences before, ended up getting harrassed. when i am alone i can't help keep on thinking about unhappy things - my job, my getting bullied in previous jobs, my bad relationship with my mother, difficulties in getting along with people at church who are mostly elderly and with much less education and thus very different background that i don't feel we have common things to share, insecurity with friendship like maybe i have done something wrong so people stop replying my messages, which happened before and i ended up breaking up with all my friends 3 years ago.
sometimes i remember to remind myself to choose to do things that are beneficial to myself, being happy and optimistic is one of them. i realized not long ago that my father is the only one who loves me and loves me most on earth (my mother is incommunicatable and i have accepted it and decided to give up). i wish he could keep me company for many many years. to fight loneliness i begin to think i may need a family of my own too, but only if with a very suitable person.
last week at work my senior asked why i always looked frustrated. just a random remark from a very nice senior. it was partly due to the fact that i worked till midnight at home the day before. and perhaps mostly because i don't know how to let go and move on and feel very lost. sometimes i wonder if it is because i m working at a job that doesn't suit me, a job that requires so much political correctness and i have no political sense.
i want to write a motto and put it on wall to remind myself i have recovered. but i guess i am becoming sick again. too much fear for everything to happen again, and fear for new problems. they may not exist but i am too worried.
two days ago i met a friend who came back from abroad for holiday. he told me that he wanted to come back even though he doesn't like our city and that he would earn less here than there, because long distance relationship with his gf is hard, and her gf has a stable career here whereas his is a contract job. research is always based on funding so he will never get a permanent position doing research at any universities.
most of us are helpless with certain things i wonder how others could make themselves happy.
sometimes i remember to remind myself to choose to do things that are beneficial to myself, being happy and optimistic is one of them. i realized not long ago that my father is the only one who loves me and loves me most on earth (my mother is incommunicatable and i have accepted it and decided to give up). i wish he could keep me company for many many years. to fight loneliness i begin to think i may need a family of my own too, but only if with a very suitable person.
last week at work my senior asked why i always looked frustrated. just a random remark from a very nice senior. it was partly due to the fact that i worked till midnight at home the day before. and perhaps mostly because i don't know how to let go and move on and feel very lost. sometimes i wonder if it is because i m working at a job that doesn't suit me, a job that requires so much political correctness and i have no political sense.
i want to write a motto and put it on wall to remind myself i have recovered. but i guess i am becoming sick again. too much fear for everything to happen again, and fear for new problems. they may not exist but i am too worried.
two days ago i met a friend who came back from abroad for holiday. he told me that he wanted to come back even though he doesn't like our city and that he would earn less here than there, because long distance relationship with his gf is hard, and her gf has a stable career here whereas his is a contract job. research is always based on funding so he will never get a permanent position doing research at any universities.
most of us are helpless with certain things i wonder how others could make themselves happy.
