All the Self Torture
Yeah, I broke up with her.
Yes, she did something unforgivable to get even and exact some revenge.
So…, why can’t I stop thinking about her?
Why can’t I stop loving her?
Why am I reading through the histories of texts and emails?
Why?
Too many why’s
Course through my mind
Too many reasons
Left undefined
Awake at all hours
Dreams that berate me
Thoughts in the daylight
That simply forsake me
Perhaps it’s my knowledge
That there is nothing more
And I’ll be alone till the end
Loveless evermore
A shell on the sands
Of some forgotten beach
Waiting for the tide
To drag me back to the sea
Life hasn’t ever been easy for me, and this hardly rises to the apexes of my inner pain.
I’ve dealt with a lot of things that would destroy some people. I don’t type that to brag or anything. I type it because I know it’s true.
7 months ago I thought I was back on track and things were looking up. But then, seemingly out of nowhere so many things seemed to go horribly wrong for me.
7 months ago for the first time in my life, I owed nobody any money and I was full on in love and making plans for the future. Happiness was assailing me.
But it’s gone, all gone
Like the needle inside the haystack
A simple little thing of sorts
That the hay decided to take back
And I could start my searching
Knowing how feeble the task is
But in these passing, aging years
I’ll only find my tears
Some people have it all and complain about it.
Then there’s people like me that find themselves constantly besieged by one thing or another. People that try really hard to do the right things for right reasons only to have it all fall apart in front of their eyes.
My current debt is over 10k. Mostly because of a truck I bought 6 months ago. That trucks transmission just went and the cost to fix it will be over 3k. I have less than a thousand dollars in my savings and checking right now and all my bills will be due in another week and a half.
Some people will read all of this and think I’m feeling sorry for myself. But inside I know why I’m typing.
This is Accountability.
I have no one to blame besides myself.
It was my choices and actions that got me here.
No matter how well intentioned I was to myself, these are my results.
I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with much of it. All I know is that I haven’t given up on myself.
I’ve only given up on love and happiness.
Obviously I can’t handle or navigate either!
Winds of chance begin to blow
Like an icy cold new ending
And all my efforts pay the toll
For the hope I thought I was sending
And in the end that I’ll find alone
I’ll sit still and try to breathe
Knowing that end to come
Will finally set me free
And with those wings of freedom
I’ll fly back through my dreams
To land atop a floating log
Floating down a placid stream
~ The Snowdog
Yes, she did something unforgivable to get even and exact some revenge.
So…, why can’t I stop thinking about her?
Why can’t I stop loving her?
Why am I reading through the histories of texts and emails?
Why?
Too many why’s
Course through my mind
Too many reasons
Left undefined
Awake at all hours
Dreams that berate me
Thoughts in the daylight
That simply forsake me
Perhaps it’s my knowledge
That there is nothing more
And I’ll be alone till the end
Loveless evermore
A shell on the sands
Of some forgotten beach
Waiting for the tide
To drag me back to the sea
Life hasn’t ever been easy for me, and this hardly rises to the apexes of my inner pain.
I’ve dealt with a lot of things that would destroy some people. I don’t type that to brag or anything. I type it because I know it’s true.
7 months ago I thought I was back on track and things were looking up. But then, seemingly out of nowhere so many things seemed to go horribly wrong for me.
7 months ago for the first time in my life, I owed nobody any money and I was full on in love and making plans for the future. Happiness was assailing me.
But it’s gone, all gone
Like the needle inside the haystack
A simple little thing of sorts
That the hay decided to take back
And I could start my searching
Knowing how feeble the task is
But in these passing, aging years
I’ll only find my tears
Some people have it all and complain about it.
Then there’s people like me that find themselves constantly besieged by one thing or another. People that try really hard to do the right things for right reasons only to have it all fall apart in front of their eyes.
My current debt is over 10k. Mostly because of a truck I bought 6 months ago. That trucks transmission just went and the cost to fix it will be over 3k. I have less than a thousand dollars in my savings and checking right now and all my bills will be due in another week and a half.
Some people will read all of this and think I’m feeling sorry for myself. But inside I know why I’m typing.
This is Accountability.
I have no one to blame besides myself.
It was my choices and actions that got me here.
No matter how well intentioned I was to myself, these are my results.
I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with much of it. All I know is that I haven’t given up on myself.
I’ve only given up on love and happiness.
Obviously I can’t handle or navigate either!
Winds of chance begin to blow
Like an icy cold new ending
And all my efforts pay the toll
For the hope I thought I was sending
And in the end that I’ll find alone
I’ll sit still and try to breathe
Knowing that end to come
Will finally set me free
And with those wings of freedom
I’ll fly back through my dreams
To land atop a floating log
Floating down a placid stream
~ The Snowdog
