Have you ever been taken advantage of? What happened?
How can naturally kind and generous people prevent others from taking advantage of them? How did someone take advantage of your generosity? When I was around 20, I had a friend who was kicked out of her mom's house. She hardly had any money or a car, but she worked at a Taco Bell in town. She luckily found an apartment within walking distance, and the landlord took pity on her situation and rented the apartment to her without a security deposit. It had new carpet, new appliances, new tile, new paint; just totally redone. He even cut her a deal and lowered her rent. He was a genuinely nice person. Anyway, when it came time for her to move in, she had no way of getting her stuff over there. My dad and I offered to help since my dad has a van. She assured us a few days beforehand that everything was ready to go. When we showed up, literally nothing was packed. She still had books on all her shelves, linens on the bed, and she even had wet laundry sitting in the washing machine. She didn't even have any boxes. Infuriating, but we press on and somehow got her moved in that day.
Over the next few months, we would hang out, but she would usually ask me for a ride to Walmart so she could do her shopping. Even though I hate Walmart, I didn't mind going with her since I knew she was in a really tight situation. I didn't really know her area that well, so she directed me to a Walmart that was a 40 minute drive away. A few months and several Walmart trips later, I found out that there was actually a Walmart just 2 miles from her apartment, and when I confronted her about it, she was like "Yeah, but the other one is nicer."
The last straw was when she asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her. I picked her up and we drove to the restaurant, and just as we're walking in, she sees two of her other friends seated across the room and she joined them instead. Then she thanked me for the "ride" and said, "See you later!". I put my foot down after that and got really good at saying NO to her.
After not talking to her for a few months, our mutual friend was in town, so this woman hosted a small party. Mind you, she had only lived in this apartment for maybe 6 months at this point, but when I got there, the apartment was trashed. Cigarette burns in the rug, broken tiles, and she had somehow managed to bend or break all the shelves in the fridge. Also, the apartment smelled fucking awful. I found out that she was just stuffing her nasty full garbage bags into the cabinet under her kitchen sink because she didn't want to walk it outside since it was cold out. Not only had she taken advantage of me, but she was also screwing over the landlord who had been so generous to her. Somewhere between year 7 and 8 (I live in the UK, sorry) so I'll have been about 12. She tried getting the police involved but because I'd never given an official statement and she had no evidence they couldn't do anything. She'd literally just turned up to school one day and said she didn't want to talk to me ever again.
How do you handle someone trying to take advantage of you? Okay I know that I sound like a total asshole but I just wanna reveal my confession. I have always been a loner, partly because I'm not interested in knowing people whatsoever, partly because most people don't understand me. I only get to know them and pretend to be friendly only if the friendship provides me some kind of benefits (often school-work and business). I feel guilty as hell sometimes. How can I be genuinely interested in others and stop taking advantage of them? Any advice will be appreciated. Presumably you have your own problems, ambitions, and passions. Correct? When you're with other people and you feel as if you can't relate to their stupid issues, try to understand how they must feel about those issues instead, and then think of a time when you felt similarly. Realize that although their preoccupations may be in a completely different genre than yours, the feelings that you experience towards those separate items are essentially the same. There is a deep, natural commonality that's present among us humans that can only be felt, not analyzed. It's a beautiful "we're all hurtling through this crazy universe on a rock towards who knows what and inevitable death, but right here, right now, I feel a deep connection with you" kind of feeling. When you experience this commonality firsthand, it is awesome.
Often it's as simple as taking the time to listen to other people's problems and putting your own aside for the moment. If you don't give a shit about other people, they won't give a shit about you either. Empathy isn't hard and unless you're a sociopath, it should come somewhat naturally. We have Fi in our function stack, and it's the only other introverted function besides Ni. We have abundant feels. Fuck, this entire sub reeks of them, but because our feelings are tempered and expressed outwardly through logic most people think we're unfeeling and cold. This has the unfortunate side effect of reinforcing that self image that we are unfeeling and cold, when INTJs are really quite passionate and inwardly emotional. In order to develop empathy you need to be willing to be a bit vulnerable and expose that side of our personality a bit.
It sounds like you have a bitterness towards other people for some reason(s). It may be because, like you said, people don't understand you or maybe you were bullied or taken advantage of in the past... I think you need to first change your attitude regarding how you view other people. They are not just "tools" that you can use and then discard once they stop being useful. If you are able to have a true friendship with someone, it will be more rewarding than a temporary benefit you may receive. I feel like you haven't been able to experience what a real friendship is like, so you aren't able to accurately value what a real friendship is, and you view other people as simply "tools" that are useless unless they benefit you in some way.
My advice to you is to try to make friends with some people with the mindset that you aren't going to expect or ask anything from them, at least in the beginning. Try to learn more about those new friends; see if you have any common interests or if you just somehow "click" with them. Thereafter, just hang out with them and try to have a good time, continuing to get to know them better. Get rid of the notion that other people are useless unless they benefit you in someway. Personally, if I view someone as a friend, I feel better if I am able to help or benefit them in some way, because I value their friendship. Some people may hurt you, but I believe there are more good people than bad. Don't get discouraged; keep trying to build true, lasting friendships. It may be difficult, but I guarantee you it will be more than worth it in the end.
So friendships and relationships are two different things, which becomes readily apparent in this context. All these people you need things from, those are social relationships. You're interacting with them out of need rather than desire, and shouldn't feel guilt about that. It's what society is built on. We all need things from one another. Being polite and friendly can (and should) be added to these interactions to make them more efficient/rewarding for all involved - nobody likes a douche bag. Think of it as social lubrication helping a bunch of individualistic monkeys coexist without constant violence. The final piece to this, is contributing back in order to strengthen the relationship. Just be honest about it - courtesy costs you nothing, and honesty in the interaction should eliminate any feelings of guilt. This is where rational self interest comes into play, prioritizing which areas you apply your limited resources into helping others, e.g. sharing a six-pack with my mechanic. They get somebody to talk to while they work, and free beer (never to be overlooked). I get a non-dickish way to scrutinize their work for quality control and my own education. Key point, being friendly doesn't make you friends. It can lead to it, it but it shouldn't entail any sense of obligation or corresponding guilt from failing to meet it. I definitely struggle with this, too, and it's refreshing to hear it from someone else. I find that a lot of my friendships are maintained because of utility, not necessarily because I genuinely care about them. In fact, the only reason I'm still on dating sites is because I think in the next 1-2 years I'm going to need a permanent roommate and think it'd be easier if I were dating said person. But I do manage to mask my lack of empathy by being the active one in making plans with people. Maybe I want to go hiking alone, but would a few of my friends like hiking too? Sure. So I invite them. In that moment, I'm not using them for anything but it's a gesture that will allow others to connect with me and strengthen our friendship. I've found that the more times that I invite others to do things, the more they invite ME to do things. It's more of a passive "taking advantage" since I know I'll still maintain friendships and be able to call in favors down the line.
What minimal effort task can you do to make the faux friendship mutually beneficial? Get a coffee for the person driving you to/from work every few days - they think you're a nice person, you've evened up your tab, and they don't mind going out of their way for you next time. Are you using them? Sure. But they're benefiting from it, too, so you don't have to feel guilty.
My long-term solution was to find friends that were interested in the same sort of things I was, which created mutual long-term benefits for maintaining the friendship. This only works so long as they stay interested in that particular thing, however. And I think that is just fine - as you run out of interests in common, the friendships naturally decline.
Friendship is a wholly different matter, in which you are choosing to interact with one another for the sake of enjoying each others company. There are numerous benefits from this, but explicitly seeking them makes the interaction hollow and noticeably contrived to all involved. It comes down to personal opinion beyond this. I prefer a handful of intensely loyal friends to a large ground of people that are "fun" to be around. Regardless, if there's a feeling of guilt cropping up anywhere, somethings out of balance.
Four years on and there are some people who still believe it. I've managed to prove to everyone who matters that I never did anything. Her closest friends from the time believe I did it (or claim they do) which is odd because they should know better than anyone that nothing happened. I still hate her though. I'd not thought about beating her up until she told everyone I had. I don't think taking advantage of people is a bad thing. Maybe it is the way you do it. I don't know, but I've found myself investing in some social relationships as a way to take advantage of people's knowledge, my goal being self-actualization and self-empowerment. It has taken me some time to realize there are lots of people who can, in different ways, enrich our minds, offer a key piece to our mind puzzle. And hey, I made some cool friends. I'm not necessarily manipulating them, but taking advantage of them in a conscientious, and 'ethical' way. (Anyways, there are times you -need- to manipulate). To be genuinely interested in others, fake it until you make it. Consider the person in question a world of views, different opinions and aspirations, thoughts and feelings, and not just a medium to a goal. Start out with some forced selective socializing, it will pretty awkward at first, but it will strengthen and develop your social and interpersonal skills. It was easy when I went off to college in another state. I'm back here for the summer, and sometimes it feels like my life is going in a different direction while the people who stay just don't change. I also find it hard because people don't seem to be into anything, like having hobbies (like hiking or something you can do together) you can do together, and people don't seem up for trying new things.
When did you realize you were being taken advantage of in a friendship/relationship?
I want to know what has happened to you when you realized that someone you knew or met took advantage of you or used you for their own selfish purposes.
One day I broke up with my gf. Had to talk to somebody. Went to Ted's place for a few days (his parents place actually). He wasn't even interested what's going on in my life and didn't really had a chance to start a subject, because the guy couldn't stop talking about his ego. He also started demeaning stuff I do suggesting that what he does is superior 100% seriously.
When I lent a friend some money, making it clear that I could only afford it if I got it back within a month, which she agreed to. After about 3 months, I got into an argument with her, and ask why she hadn't paid me. Her reason, she needed money to buy cigarettes and alcohol, and after that she had no money left for the week. I could of thrown her in front of a train when I heard this.
I was hanging out with a girl for a while several years ago, who was incredibly attractive and got attention wherever we went, and it was clear to me that she wasn't really my type but she seemed interested and flirted with me a lot, to the point of promising to model her underwear for me and being very suggestive but not really responsive to anything from me.
It turned out, she kept me around because I was useful; I'd help her with computer and car stuff and I was convenient to call with questions, and she was mainly just trying to keep me at the level of interest that would keep me "available" when she needed help. She seemed to always make sure to be unavailable for any kind of get-togethers that didn't have any potential gain for her. I finally realized the nature of our "friendship" when we had scheduled a day for me to help her out with a project, and she blew me off. I'd set aside the whole day and she was aware I went to extra effort to do so, and it turned out to be a sunny but pleasant day outside so she decided she was going to go lay out instead. She felt completely justified and was unapologetic about it, and everything snapped into focus. I didn't show any anger, but just turned around and left. I never saw her or talked to her again.
After being with a guy for two ish years, he comes over to my house during a time when I had gotten really busy with school inform me that our relationship means nothing to him but the pleasant sensation of being in love with someone and if he's not getting it from me he's going to get it from someone else. Oh my bad, thought we had a friendship going on in there somewhere too.
Now that you have noticed/experienced this, you will learn when to speak up and what to say. It won't come easily, but after close friends don't help, you get harder. Sorry, people can so selfish. Time to look out for yourself first.
Start saying,"No." Simple as that. You'll start to realize who really needs your help and who is taking advantage. I was the same way for a long time and realized some people were walking all-over me because I never said "no" to helping them with anything. If you have to, be passive-aggressive and just keep saying you can't help because you have to take care of something else at the time. If they ask if you can help when you're done say you'll be worn out by the time you finish doing that, or something along those lines. Just make something up; eventually they won't think you're the go-to person when they need to use someone's kindness. I've lost people in my life because of this but it made me realize they weren't friends, just people who thought I was convenient to their needs.
First, recognize that I’m being taken advantage of and see what the person’s reaction is when I bring it up to them. If they try to gaslight me, I stick to my guns and tell myself I know how I’m feeling and it’s not for no reason. Be firm and let that person know they’ve crossed a boundary and make it clear it won’t be acceptable if it happens again. But for the most part, I would just distance myself from the person or situation that is taking advantage of me without explanation because I don’t feel they deserve one at that point. They know exactly what they’re doing. I would only confront the person directly if I felt it was worth saying something or if it’s an employer or whoever at work or somewhere where I can’t avoid the person.
It was a number of things really but the final straw for me saying “no” at work was when they chose to promote one of the most arrogant, self-centred pieces of s employees. I’d started studying at university as well and had little time to do my studies whilst work had me working long days, little respect and no accommodation to my needs. Of course they didn’t like it very much when I put my foot down and started sticking up for myself. They said I wasn’t being part of the team, etc. but after many years in the industry to still be on minimum wage and not get the hours I needed to study and be there for my son I’d had more than enough. I ended up quitting after trying for many months to improve the business and atmosphere. During my 9 months there they had gone through well over 80 staff in the restaurant department alone. Many quitting out of frustration. I’d never go back to the hospitality industry, they have no boundaries or value and appreciation for staff.
My late 30s and more my 40s were the best stage of growth. May be related to more social media and some helpful articles which explain things like gaslighting or other types of abuse and allow to learn and see what is unhealthy. I was boomer raised, and it’s no picnic as their out dated values and women being in a certain place ideals were imposed on us and we had not many people telling us otherwise. With the Information Age and personal maturity that comes with age- I was able to really start being stronger and not taking crap.
I stopped listening to their bullshit. I started to ignore and decline all of their favors. I came to my senses and said no. I cut them off as soon as I graduated from high school. They only came to me to ask me to do favors for them. I decided from there that I would never allow anyone to take advantage of me again.
How did you stop people from taking advantage of you?
The trouble with this (At least for me) has always been that "taking advantage" starts slowly. If someone asks me a small favour, that's fine by me, especially if it's friends who do it. But then comes another small favour and another and eventually a bigger one and all of a sudden you're their go to person to ask any old shit from. It's not only important to be able to say no, it's also important to notice the moment at which favours end and taking advantage starts unless you want to be a dick at all times and do nothing for no one, then you're fine. But if you want to maintain a certain level of "niceness" but not go beyond a certain amount of that at which you're being used by others, it's fairly critical to start saying no at the right moment. It's also very satisfying, as I have learned, to say no for the first time after someone has always gotten a yes for ages.
For me I had to literally define, to myself, to what extent I was comfortable helping the average person. I had a real bad case of the doormats so I literally wrote out on a page, in two columns, things I would be willing to do for someone who I considered a friend (not a close friend, just a friend. The kind you'd go get a beer with once in awhile, but not the kind you're inviting to your wedding) and things I would not be willing to do. I started off, naturally, with the extremes and as I continued it started to narrow the window until the "line" was pretty clear.
Over the next few months, we would hang out, but she would usually ask me for a ride to Walmart so she could do her shopping. Even though I hate Walmart, I didn't mind going with her since I knew she was in a really tight situation. I didn't really know her area that well, so she directed me to a Walmart that was a 40 minute drive away. A few months and several Walmart trips later, I found out that there was actually a Walmart just 2 miles from her apartment, and when I confronted her about it, she was like "Yeah, but the other one is nicer."
The last straw was when she asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her. I picked her up and we drove to the restaurant, and just as we're walking in, she sees two of her other friends seated across the room and she joined them instead. Then she thanked me for the "ride" and said, "See you later!". I put my foot down after that and got really good at saying NO to her.
After not talking to her for a few months, our mutual friend was in town, so this woman hosted a small party. Mind you, she had only lived in this apartment for maybe 6 months at this point, but when I got there, the apartment was trashed. Cigarette burns in the rug, broken tiles, and she had somehow managed to bend or break all the shelves in the fridge. Also, the apartment smelled fucking awful. I found out that she was just stuffing her nasty full garbage bags into the cabinet under her kitchen sink because she didn't want to walk it outside since it was cold out. Not only had she taken advantage of me, but she was also screwing over the landlord who had been so generous to her. Somewhere between year 7 and 8 (I live in the UK, sorry) so I'll have been about 12. She tried getting the police involved but because I'd never given an official statement and she had no evidence they couldn't do anything. She'd literally just turned up to school one day and said she didn't want to talk to me ever again.
How do you handle someone trying to take advantage of you? Okay I know that I sound like a total asshole but I just wanna reveal my confession. I have always been a loner, partly because I'm not interested in knowing people whatsoever, partly because most people don't understand me. I only get to know them and pretend to be friendly only if the friendship provides me some kind of benefits (often school-work and business). I feel guilty as hell sometimes. How can I be genuinely interested in others and stop taking advantage of them? Any advice will be appreciated. Presumably you have your own problems, ambitions, and passions. Correct? When you're with other people and you feel as if you can't relate to their stupid issues, try to understand how they must feel about those issues instead, and then think of a time when you felt similarly. Realize that although their preoccupations may be in a completely different genre than yours, the feelings that you experience towards those separate items are essentially the same. There is a deep, natural commonality that's present among us humans that can only be felt, not analyzed. It's a beautiful "we're all hurtling through this crazy universe on a rock towards who knows what and inevitable death, but right here, right now, I feel a deep connection with you" kind of feeling. When you experience this commonality firsthand, it is awesome.
Often it's as simple as taking the time to listen to other people's problems and putting your own aside for the moment. If you don't give a shit about other people, they won't give a shit about you either. Empathy isn't hard and unless you're a sociopath, it should come somewhat naturally. We have Fi in our function stack, and it's the only other introverted function besides Ni. We have abundant feels. Fuck, this entire sub reeks of them, but because our feelings are tempered and expressed outwardly through logic most people think we're unfeeling and cold. This has the unfortunate side effect of reinforcing that self image that we are unfeeling and cold, when INTJs are really quite passionate and inwardly emotional. In order to develop empathy you need to be willing to be a bit vulnerable and expose that side of our personality a bit.
It sounds like you have a bitterness towards other people for some reason(s). It may be because, like you said, people don't understand you or maybe you were bullied or taken advantage of in the past... I think you need to first change your attitude regarding how you view other people. They are not just "tools" that you can use and then discard once they stop being useful. If you are able to have a true friendship with someone, it will be more rewarding than a temporary benefit you may receive. I feel like you haven't been able to experience what a real friendship is like, so you aren't able to accurately value what a real friendship is, and you view other people as simply "tools" that are useless unless they benefit you in some way.
My advice to you is to try to make friends with some people with the mindset that you aren't going to expect or ask anything from them, at least in the beginning. Try to learn more about those new friends; see if you have any common interests or if you just somehow "click" with them. Thereafter, just hang out with them and try to have a good time, continuing to get to know them better. Get rid of the notion that other people are useless unless they benefit you in someway. Personally, if I view someone as a friend, I feel better if I am able to help or benefit them in some way, because I value their friendship. Some people may hurt you, but I believe there are more good people than bad. Don't get discouraged; keep trying to build true, lasting friendships. It may be difficult, but I guarantee you it will be more than worth it in the end.
So friendships and relationships are two different things, which becomes readily apparent in this context. All these people you need things from, those are social relationships. You're interacting with them out of need rather than desire, and shouldn't feel guilt about that. It's what society is built on. We all need things from one another. Being polite and friendly can (and should) be added to these interactions to make them more efficient/rewarding for all involved - nobody likes a douche bag. Think of it as social lubrication helping a bunch of individualistic monkeys coexist without constant violence. The final piece to this, is contributing back in order to strengthen the relationship. Just be honest about it - courtesy costs you nothing, and honesty in the interaction should eliminate any feelings of guilt. This is where rational self interest comes into play, prioritizing which areas you apply your limited resources into helping others, e.g. sharing a six-pack with my mechanic. They get somebody to talk to while they work, and free beer (never to be overlooked). I get a non-dickish way to scrutinize their work for quality control and my own education. Key point, being friendly doesn't make you friends. It can lead to it, it but it shouldn't entail any sense of obligation or corresponding guilt from failing to meet it. I definitely struggle with this, too, and it's refreshing to hear it from someone else. I find that a lot of my friendships are maintained because of utility, not necessarily because I genuinely care about them. In fact, the only reason I'm still on dating sites is because I think in the next 1-2 years I'm going to need a permanent roommate and think it'd be easier if I were dating said person. But I do manage to mask my lack of empathy by being the active one in making plans with people. Maybe I want to go hiking alone, but would a few of my friends like hiking too? Sure. So I invite them. In that moment, I'm not using them for anything but it's a gesture that will allow others to connect with me and strengthen our friendship. I've found that the more times that I invite others to do things, the more they invite ME to do things. It's more of a passive "taking advantage" since I know I'll still maintain friendships and be able to call in favors down the line.
What minimal effort task can you do to make the faux friendship mutually beneficial? Get a coffee for the person driving you to/from work every few days - they think you're a nice person, you've evened up your tab, and they don't mind going out of their way for you next time. Are you using them? Sure. But they're benefiting from it, too, so you don't have to feel guilty.
My long-term solution was to find friends that were interested in the same sort of things I was, which created mutual long-term benefits for maintaining the friendship. This only works so long as they stay interested in that particular thing, however. And I think that is just fine - as you run out of interests in common, the friendships naturally decline.
Friendship is a wholly different matter, in which you are choosing to interact with one another for the sake of enjoying each others company. There are numerous benefits from this, but explicitly seeking them makes the interaction hollow and noticeably contrived to all involved. It comes down to personal opinion beyond this. I prefer a handful of intensely loyal friends to a large ground of people that are "fun" to be around. Regardless, if there's a feeling of guilt cropping up anywhere, somethings out of balance.
Four years on and there are some people who still believe it. I've managed to prove to everyone who matters that I never did anything. Her closest friends from the time believe I did it (or claim they do) which is odd because they should know better than anyone that nothing happened. I still hate her though. I'd not thought about beating her up until she told everyone I had. I don't think taking advantage of people is a bad thing. Maybe it is the way you do it. I don't know, but I've found myself investing in some social relationships as a way to take advantage of people's knowledge, my goal being self-actualization and self-empowerment. It has taken me some time to realize there are lots of people who can, in different ways, enrich our minds, offer a key piece to our mind puzzle. And hey, I made some cool friends. I'm not necessarily manipulating them, but taking advantage of them in a conscientious, and 'ethical' way. (Anyways, there are times you -need- to manipulate). To be genuinely interested in others, fake it until you make it. Consider the person in question a world of views, different opinions and aspirations, thoughts and feelings, and not just a medium to a goal. Start out with some forced selective socializing, it will pretty awkward at first, but it will strengthen and develop your social and interpersonal skills. It was easy when I went off to college in another state. I'm back here for the summer, and sometimes it feels like my life is going in a different direction while the people who stay just don't change. I also find it hard because people don't seem to be into anything, like having hobbies (like hiking or something you can do together) you can do together, and people don't seem up for trying new things.
When did you realize you were being taken advantage of in a friendship/relationship?
I want to know what has happened to you when you realized that someone you knew or met took advantage of you or used you for their own selfish purposes.
One day I broke up with my gf. Had to talk to somebody. Went to Ted's place for a few days (his parents place actually). He wasn't even interested what's going on in my life and didn't really had a chance to start a subject, because the guy couldn't stop talking about his ego. He also started demeaning stuff I do suggesting that what he does is superior 100% seriously.
When I lent a friend some money, making it clear that I could only afford it if I got it back within a month, which she agreed to. After about 3 months, I got into an argument with her, and ask why she hadn't paid me. Her reason, she needed money to buy cigarettes and alcohol, and after that she had no money left for the week. I could of thrown her in front of a train when I heard this.
I was hanging out with a girl for a while several years ago, who was incredibly attractive and got attention wherever we went, and it was clear to me that she wasn't really my type but she seemed interested and flirted with me a lot, to the point of promising to model her underwear for me and being very suggestive but not really responsive to anything from me.
It turned out, she kept me around because I was useful; I'd help her with computer and car stuff and I was convenient to call with questions, and she was mainly just trying to keep me at the level of interest that would keep me "available" when she needed help. She seemed to always make sure to be unavailable for any kind of get-togethers that didn't have any potential gain for her. I finally realized the nature of our "friendship" when we had scheduled a day for me to help her out with a project, and she blew me off. I'd set aside the whole day and she was aware I went to extra effort to do so, and it turned out to be a sunny but pleasant day outside so she decided she was going to go lay out instead. She felt completely justified and was unapologetic about it, and everything snapped into focus. I didn't show any anger, but just turned around and left. I never saw her or talked to her again.
After being with a guy for two ish years, he comes over to my house during a time when I had gotten really busy with school inform me that our relationship means nothing to him but the pleasant sensation of being in love with someone and if he's not getting it from me he's going to get it from someone else. Oh my bad, thought we had a friendship going on in there somewhere too.
Now that you have noticed/experienced this, you will learn when to speak up and what to say. It won't come easily, but after close friends don't help, you get harder. Sorry, people can so selfish. Time to look out for yourself first.
Start saying,"No." Simple as that. You'll start to realize who really needs your help and who is taking advantage. I was the same way for a long time and realized some people were walking all-over me because I never said "no" to helping them with anything. If you have to, be passive-aggressive and just keep saying you can't help because you have to take care of something else at the time. If they ask if you can help when you're done say you'll be worn out by the time you finish doing that, or something along those lines. Just make something up; eventually they won't think you're the go-to person when they need to use someone's kindness. I've lost people in my life because of this but it made me realize they weren't friends, just people who thought I was convenient to their needs.
First, recognize that I’m being taken advantage of and see what the person’s reaction is when I bring it up to them. If they try to gaslight me, I stick to my guns and tell myself I know how I’m feeling and it’s not for no reason. Be firm and let that person know they’ve crossed a boundary and make it clear it won’t be acceptable if it happens again. But for the most part, I would just distance myself from the person or situation that is taking advantage of me without explanation because I don’t feel they deserve one at that point. They know exactly what they’re doing. I would only confront the person directly if I felt it was worth saying something or if it’s an employer or whoever at work or somewhere where I can’t avoid the person.
It was a number of things really but the final straw for me saying “no” at work was when they chose to promote one of the most arrogant, self-centred pieces of s employees. I’d started studying at university as well and had little time to do my studies whilst work had me working long days, little respect and no accommodation to my needs. Of course they didn’t like it very much when I put my foot down and started sticking up for myself. They said I wasn’t being part of the team, etc. but after many years in the industry to still be on minimum wage and not get the hours I needed to study and be there for my son I’d had more than enough. I ended up quitting after trying for many months to improve the business and atmosphere. During my 9 months there they had gone through well over 80 staff in the restaurant department alone. Many quitting out of frustration. I’d never go back to the hospitality industry, they have no boundaries or value and appreciation for staff.
My late 30s and more my 40s were the best stage of growth. May be related to more social media and some helpful articles which explain things like gaslighting or other types of abuse and allow to learn and see what is unhealthy. I was boomer raised, and it’s no picnic as their out dated values and women being in a certain place ideals were imposed on us and we had not many people telling us otherwise. With the Information Age and personal maturity that comes with age- I was able to really start being stronger and not taking crap.
I stopped listening to their bullshit. I started to ignore and decline all of their favors. I came to my senses and said no. I cut them off as soon as I graduated from high school. They only came to me to ask me to do favors for them. I decided from there that I would never allow anyone to take advantage of me again.
How did you stop people from taking advantage of you?
The trouble with this (At least for me) has always been that "taking advantage" starts slowly. If someone asks me a small favour, that's fine by me, especially if it's friends who do it. But then comes another small favour and another and eventually a bigger one and all of a sudden you're their go to person to ask any old shit from. It's not only important to be able to say no, it's also important to notice the moment at which favours end and taking advantage starts unless you want to be a dick at all times and do nothing for no one, then you're fine. But if you want to maintain a certain level of "niceness" but not go beyond a certain amount of that at which you're being used by others, it's fairly critical to start saying no at the right moment. It's also very satisfying, as I have learned, to say no for the first time after someone has always gotten a yes for ages.
For me I had to literally define, to myself, to what extent I was comfortable helping the average person. I had a real bad case of the doormats so I literally wrote out on a page, in two columns, things I would be willing to do for someone who I considered a friend (not a close friend, just a friend. The kind you'd go get a beer with once in awhile, but not the kind you're inviting to your wedding) and things I would not be willing to do. I started off, naturally, with the extremes and as I continued it started to narrow the window until the "line" was pretty clear.
