Canada recalls all geese from U.S. as trade war gets personal
The Canadian government moved Wednesday to dramatically escalate its trade dispute with the United States, ordering the repatriation of all Canada geese currently residing south of the border.
The extraordinary measure follows a new round of retaliatory tariffs between Washington and Ottawa, as the two longtime allies impose increasingly aggressive restrictions on one another’s goods.
Under the emergency National Goose Repatriation Order, Canada has reportedly demanded the return of every Canadian goose currently occupying American territory, including those residing in public parks, golf courses, retention ponds, school athletic fields and the parking lots of suburban shopping centers.
“All of them,” a Canadian official familiar with the fictional negotiations said.
“Even the mean ones.”
The White House reportedly accepted the offer before Canadian negotiators had finished reading the proposal.
“Take them,” one administration official said. “Please.”
The breakthrough came after weeks of increasingly tense negotiations failed to resolve the growing trade dispute.
According to people who absolutely do not exist, Canadian officials initially considered withholding maple syrup but concluded the move would disproportionately harm pancakes.
Ottawa then considered restricting shipments of hockey equipment.
Minnesota threatened war.
That left geese.
Within hours of the announcement, governors across the United States reportedly began organizing transportation to the Canadian border.
Florida offered planes.
New Jersey offered to include several thousand seagulls at no additional charge.
A Michigan golf-course manager reportedly broke down in tears when informed that Canada intended to voluntarily reclaim the birds.
“You’re telling me they’re just… taking them?”
He then asked reporters for a moment alone.
The repatriation process is expected to be complicated. Canada geese currently residing in the United States will reportedly have until midnight Friday to report to the nearest northbound interstate, international airport or body of water eventually capable of reaching Ontario.
Any goose refusing to leave could face deportation.
American officials have already volunteered ICE.
Negotiators cautioned that the apparent breakthrough does not mean the trade war is over.
Canada still possesses considerable leverage.
Asked what Ottawa might do if President Trump imposes another round of tariffs, the Canadian official stared silently across the negotiating table.
“The mosquitoes.”
The extraordinary measure follows a new round of retaliatory tariffs between Washington and Ottawa, as the two longtime allies impose increasingly aggressive restrictions on one another’s goods.
Under the emergency National Goose Repatriation Order, Canada has reportedly demanded the return of every Canadian goose currently occupying American territory, including those residing in public parks, golf courses, retention ponds, school athletic fields and the parking lots of suburban shopping centers.
“All of them,” a Canadian official familiar with the fictional negotiations said.
“Even the mean ones.”
The White House reportedly accepted the offer before Canadian negotiators had finished reading the proposal.
“Take them,” one administration official said. “Please.”
The breakthrough came after weeks of increasingly tense negotiations failed to resolve the growing trade dispute.
According to people who absolutely do not exist, Canadian officials initially considered withholding maple syrup but concluded the move would disproportionately harm pancakes.
Ottawa then considered restricting shipments of hockey equipment.
Minnesota threatened war.
That left geese.
Within hours of the announcement, governors across the United States reportedly began organizing transportation to the Canadian border.
Florida offered planes.
New Jersey offered to include several thousand seagulls at no additional charge.
A Michigan golf-course manager reportedly broke down in tears when informed that Canada intended to voluntarily reclaim the birds.
“You’re telling me they’re just… taking them?”
He then asked reporters for a moment alone.
The repatriation process is expected to be complicated. Canada geese currently residing in the United States will reportedly have until midnight Friday to report to the nearest northbound interstate, international airport or body of water eventually capable of reaching Ontario.
Any goose refusing to leave could face deportation.
American officials have already volunteered ICE.
Negotiators cautioned that the apparent breakthrough does not mean the trade war is over.
Canada still possesses considerable leverage.
Asked what Ottawa might do if President Trump imposes another round of tariffs, the Canadian official stared silently across the negotiating table.
“The mosquitoes.”
70-79, M
