Iran Denies Negotiating With Trump As All Its Leaders Are Dead

Iranian spokesman Ahmadi Mohammadi issued a strongly worded statement to "The Great Satan" in which he vehemently denied that ongoing negotiations with President Trump had been taking place because all the nation's leaders are dead.

Analysts with the CIA and Pentagon replayed the recorded statement multiple times, looking for secret messages or signals before finally concluding that it was authentic and that whoever the Trump administration officials had been speaking to could not be in any leadership positions.

"No one is left to make any actual decisions," Mohammadi said. "This claim that the Americans have been negotiating a ceasefire with us is, how you say, 'fake news.' It is not possible for our leadership to negotiate any end to hostilities because we have no leadership. The joke is on you, Mr. Trump."

Administration officials maintained that they must have been speaking to someone. "If they have no leaders, who were we talking to?" asked Secretary of State Marco Rubio. "All I know is that he had a beard and a turban. And he wore a robe. We just figured he must be someone important. Maybe not. Maybe he's a plumber who found an old military uniform. Either way, we're hard at work moving toward a peaceful resolution."

At publishing time, President Donald Trump had announced his willingness to sit down with the suspected Iranian plumber to see if he'd be willing to lead the country so he could negotiate with him.