Subarus Now Come With Built-In ICE Tracker

To keep up with popular consumer trends and make products more appealing to the company's customer base, Subaru announced that all models will now come standard with a built-in ICE tracker.

The new feature comes as an increasing number of loyal Subaru customers have taken it upon themselves to track down, hunt down, run down, and mow down federal immigration agents, with a company spokesperson saying stalking and driving aggressively at ICE will be easier than ever.

"Cutting-edge anti-ICE navigation," said Subaru marketing executive Helga Morgenstern. "We've heard our customers asking for easier ways to find ICE agents and run them over, so all of our vehicles will now come complete with our advanced ICE-tracking technology."

Utilizing a new GPS interface, the vehicle will communicate with satellites to locate the nearest ICE agents and direct the driver straight toward them. "No more driving around aimlessly through federal blockades and running over countless curbs in your search for an ICE agent to run into," Morgenstern said. "Subaru's new ICE-tracker will take you straight where you need to go."

A video demonstration of the new feature confirmed its effectiveness. "ICE agent located," an automated voice said over a Crosstrek's sound system. "Turn left. Continue for one-half mile. Turn right. ICE agent in sight. Move forward. Drive, baby. Drive." The video concluded with the vehicle striking a cardboard cut-out of an ICE agent, drawing applause from the audience.

At publishing time, Subaru announced that it would also offer an optional bulletproofing upgrade on all vehicles.