‘Crime is Down In DC!’ Shouts Journalist Currently Being Pummeled By Group Of Thugs

Shocking dozens of viewers, a CNN journalist was nearly beaten to death by a group of thugs during a live broadcast while reporting that crime is down in D.C.

"Crime in the D.C. metropolitan area has never been lower," said reporter Michal Lane before having a glass of whiskey smashed over her head. "The nation's capital is a pleasant place to raise a family. OUCH!"

"Give us your money, whitey!" a masked suspect was heard saying as Lane dutifully continued with her report.

"Mayor Bowser has accused Trump of being hyperbolic and irresponsible in how he comments — OOF!" she said, taking a punch to the gut. "How he comments on violent crime in the — OW — in the city."

The live feed was cut abruptly before her report finished, possibly signaling that the camera crew had also been assaulted.

Back in the studio, CNN anchor Kate Bolduan maintained professionalism by not reacting to the violent assault of her colleague. "It looks like we're having some technical difficulties. We'll check back in with Michal later in the broadcast."

Field reporter Michal Lane is now in the hospital recovering from wounds sustained during the mostly crime-free altercation. Because she did not report the incident, statistically, no crime took place, maintaining the validity of her report.

At publishing time, the assailants had been blown up by an M1 Abrams tank driven by National Guard soldiers.