Trump Negotiates Russian Ceasefire By Giving Putin California
The bloody years-long conflict between Ukraine and Russia was finally brought to an end this week, as President Donald Trump successfully negotiated a ceasefire between the countries by agreeing to give Vladimir Putin California.
The deal was struck after several months of stop-and-start negotiations between the two sides mediated by Trump, with Russia finally agreeing to bring the hostilities to an end after being gifted the entire state of California as a substitute for the territory it coveted from Ukraine.
"It's a great deal for every party involved," Trump told reporters when announcing the agreement. "I told everyone before that there would be some land changing hands as part of a ceasefire. Putin wanted something, and it needed to be good, so I said, ‘How about California? It's not what it once was, but it's not bad,' and he said he'd think about it. He called back later and said he'd take it. We're signing the papers tomorrow, believe it or not. Great deal. Ukraine gets peace, Russia gets California, and we don't have to deal with Governor Gavin Newscum anymore. Now he's Putin's problem."
A spokesman for the Russian government confirmed the agreement. "It is good deal," the representative said. "We have need for land. We wanted Crimea and the Donbas, but California is ok. We hear the beach is nice. There are many tacos. We like tacos."
At publishing time, Putin had reportedly ordered Russian military units to begin the process of clearing celebrities out of Hollywood to make California more inhabitable.
The deal was struck after several months of stop-and-start negotiations between the two sides mediated by Trump, with Russia finally agreeing to bring the hostilities to an end after being gifted the entire state of California as a substitute for the territory it coveted from Ukraine.
"It's a great deal for every party involved," Trump told reporters when announcing the agreement. "I told everyone before that there would be some land changing hands as part of a ceasefire. Putin wanted something, and it needed to be good, so I said, ‘How about California? It's not what it once was, but it's not bad,' and he said he'd think about it. He called back later and said he'd take it. We're signing the papers tomorrow, believe it or not. Great deal. Ukraine gets peace, Russia gets California, and we don't have to deal with Governor Gavin Newscum anymore. Now he's Putin's problem."
A spokesman for the Russian government confirmed the agreement. "It is good deal," the representative said. "We have need for land. We wanted Crimea and the Donbas, but California is ok. We hear the beach is nice. There are many tacos. We like tacos."
At publishing time, Putin had reportedly ordered Russian military units to begin the process of clearing celebrities out of Hollywood to make California more inhabitable.
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