Harvard President, Adolf Ratbag, Refuses To Allow Trump To Bully Him Into Humane Behavior
In an act of heroic defiance against the oppressive tyranny of Donald Trump, the leadership of Harvard University has bravely declared that, no matter what pressure Trump brings against them, they will not surrender their constitutional right to be the worst people in the country.
The conflict between the university and the administration began after hundreds of Harvard students flooded the campus calling for genocide against the Jews. Further investigation suggested the students may have picked up their antisemitic ideas from what they learned in such Harvard classes as Studies in Antisemitism in which the final exam required students to flood the campus and call for genocide against the Jews. Finally, then-Harvard president Claudine Gay refused to denounce the antisemitic actions and was forced to resign when the board discovered she wasn’t really gay, that just happened to be her name.
Trump reacted cruelly, threatening to deprive Harvard of billions of dollars in federal funding if the University administration does not at least try to demonstrate they possess something vaguely resembling human decency. In order to keep the federal dollars flowing, Trump says, Harvard’s leadership and faculty would have to (one) stop hating Jews, (two), stop teaching their students to hate Jews and (three), hire professors who will introduce students to ideas other than hating Jews or at least hint that such ideas exist or at least refrain from screaming at the students and calling them names when they wonder aloud whether such ideas might exist or if the whole intellectual world resembles the flaming hate-filled hellscape of Harvard University.
But Harvard’s current President, Adolf Ratbag, declares that he absolutely refuses to let a fascist like Trump bully him into humane behavior. In a statement that sounded better in the original German, President Ratbag shook his fist at Shlomo Judenstein, an invisible imaginary enemy who has followed him around since childhood, and shouted, “In a free society, our greatest university cannot compromise our right to sink into a morass of intellectual degradation based on false premises. We have a sacred responsibility to mold America’s best and brightest into dark, gnarled souls reminiscent of images of the damned in medieval paintings of the Last Judgement. It was one thing when Obama insisted we deprive male students of their due process rights whenever they got accused of sexual malfeasance by some girl who once got so drunk she slept with the entire crew team. It was another thing when Biden declared that Title IX required us to give equal treatment to women and men who say they’re women and a pair of poodles who were dressed up in pink sweaters and adorable fluffy hats by a six-year-old who wanted to pretend they were women. At least, those demands were in keeping with our undying commitment to sexual perversity and moral turpitude. But when a thug like Trump demands we have to replace our sterling array of professors who are morally deformed leftist troglodytes with teachers dedicated to shaping young minds to the good, he has crossed the line. As far as we’re concerned, Trump would be worse than Adolf Hitler, if Adolf Hitler were a bad guy.”
To further demonstrate the university’s heroically unyielding stance, Professor Ratbag released this year’s Harvard syllabus to the media. The syllabus promises that the university will continue to provide such classes as Western Civilization 101, What it is and how to destroy it; Introduction to Shakespeare and the King James Bible, How they can light our way if only we set them on fire; and Giving Up Whiteness, in which students will stop using any device invented by a white male beginning on the first day of class at noon and ending around 12:05 because, let’s face it, those bastards invented everything.
The Trump administration says it will continue to withhold funds until Harvard not only changes the syllabus, but also cancels a planned musical based on Mein Kampf and changes the school slogan back to “Veritas” instead of “Look Out, There’s a Jew Sneaking Up Behind You!”
Pledging resistance, President Ratbag and his administration have taken refuge in an underground bunker where they plan to watch the movie “Downfall” over and over in the hope it inspires them with some fresh ideas.
The conflict between the university and the administration began after hundreds of Harvard students flooded the campus calling for genocide against the Jews. Further investigation suggested the students may have picked up their antisemitic ideas from what they learned in such Harvard classes as Studies in Antisemitism in which the final exam required students to flood the campus and call for genocide against the Jews. Finally, then-Harvard president Claudine Gay refused to denounce the antisemitic actions and was forced to resign when the board discovered she wasn’t really gay, that just happened to be her name.
Trump reacted cruelly, threatening to deprive Harvard of billions of dollars in federal funding if the University administration does not at least try to demonstrate they possess something vaguely resembling human decency. In order to keep the federal dollars flowing, Trump says, Harvard’s leadership and faculty would have to (one) stop hating Jews, (two), stop teaching their students to hate Jews and (three), hire professors who will introduce students to ideas other than hating Jews or at least hint that such ideas exist or at least refrain from screaming at the students and calling them names when they wonder aloud whether such ideas might exist or if the whole intellectual world resembles the flaming hate-filled hellscape of Harvard University.
But Harvard’s current President, Adolf Ratbag, declares that he absolutely refuses to let a fascist like Trump bully him into humane behavior. In a statement that sounded better in the original German, President Ratbag shook his fist at Shlomo Judenstein, an invisible imaginary enemy who has followed him around since childhood, and shouted, “In a free society, our greatest university cannot compromise our right to sink into a morass of intellectual degradation based on false premises. We have a sacred responsibility to mold America’s best and brightest into dark, gnarled souls reminiscent of images of the damned in medieval paintings of the Last Judgement. It was one thing when Obama insisted we deprive male students of their due process rights whenever they got accused of sexual malfeasance by some girl who once got so drunk she slept with the entire crew team. It was another thing when Biden declared that Title IX required us to give equal treatment to women and men who say they’re women and a pair of poodles who were dressed up in pink sweaters and adorable fluffy hats by a six-year-old who wanted to pretend they were women. At least, those demands were in keeping with our undying commitment to sexual perversity and moral turpitude. But when a thug like Trump demands we have to replace our sterling array of professors who are morally deformed leftist troglodytes with teachers dedicated to shaping young minds to the good, he has crossed the line. As far as we’re concerned, Trump would be worse than Adolf Hitler, if Adolf Hitler were a bad guy.”
To further demonstrate the university’s heroically unyielding stance, Professor Ratbag released this year’s Harvard syllabus to the media. The syllabus promises that the university will continue to provide such classes as Western Civilization 101, What it is and how to destroy it; Introduction to Shakespeare and the King James Bible, How they can light our way if only we set them on fire; and Giving Up Whiteness, in which students will stop using any device invented by a white male beginning on the first day of class at noon and ending around 12:05 because, let’s face it, those bastards invented everything.
The Trump administration says it will continue to withhold funds until Harvard not only changes the syllabus, but also cancels a planned musical based on Mein Kampf and changes the school slogan back to “Veritas” instead of “Look Out, There’s a Jew Sneaking Up Behind You!”
Pledging resistance, President Ratbag and his administration have taken refuge in an underground bunker where they plan to watch the movie “Downfall” over and over in the hope it inspires them with some fresh ideas.
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