LA Times Staff Resigns After Being Asked To Publish Facts

After being in business for 143 years, The Los Angeles Times is shutting its doors because its entire staff resigned in protest after being asked to publish factual information. Provoked by a new editor-in-chief who thought newspapers were supposed to report facts, several senior reporters banded together to rally everyone to quit their jobs and do literally anything else. "I've wanted to be a reporter for as long as I could remember," said former political correspondent Iago Mendax. "But telling the truth? What does that have to do with reporting?" Several former employees had already accepted jobs at The New York Times and The National Enquirer, where they hoped their efforts to dispel the truth would be appreciated. Others were considering this an early retirement. "I think I'm just going to lie in my free time," said Jezebel Countercross, who formerly worked the crime beat. "I think it will be nice to just spend more time deceiving my friends and family." At publishing time, every single former employee had been sued for libel.