11 New Security Measures The Trump Campaign Will Be Implementing After Assassination Attempt
Security will now be required to yell "Any assassins out here?" before bringing Trump outside: Also, all would-be assassins will be required to say "Yeah, I'm here."
Post "Gun-Free Zone" signs around Mar-a-Lago: Everyone knows a good "Gun-Free Zone" sign is the most surefire way to eliminate all threats.
Obtain a restraining order against the FBI: This will remove the number-one threat to Trump's safety.
All Secret Service agents will be replaced by Kyle Rittenhouse: He's all you need.
Build a wall around Mar-a-Lago and make Mexico pay for it: Even Democrats agree that walls around private homes are effective.
Laura Loomer will now be chained in the yard outside the front door of Trump's house: No one will want to go anywhere near that crazy loon.
Have 10-foot-tall Barron Trump search for snipers from his high vantage point: From up there, he can see things that normal human beings would never be able to spot.
Triple the size of Trump's current Secret Service detail to six people: The previously allotted security team of two ladies just isn't cutting it.
Strongly secure all doors by wedging chairs under the doorknobs like they do in the movies: If it's good enough to work in every drama from the 70s and 80s, it's good enough to work today.
Give Trump's Secret Service agents real guns from now on: In hindsight, the airsoft and bubble guns may be putting Trump's life in danger.
Politely ask the Harris-Walz campaign to stop referring to Trump as Hitler and calling him an existential threat to democracy: Nobody thinks this will actually happen, but it doesn't hurt to ask.
Post "Gun-Free Zone" signs around Mar-a-Lago: Everyone knows a good "Gun-Free Zone" sign is the most surefire way to eliminate all threats.
Obtain a restraining order against the FBI: This will remove the number-one threat to Trump's safety.
All Secret Service agents will be replaced by Kyle Rittenhouse: He's all you need.
Build a wall around Mar-a-Lago and make Mexico pay for it: Even Democrats agree that walls around private homes are effective.
Laura Loomer will now be chained in the yard outside the front door of Trump's house: No one will want to go anywhere near that crazy loon.
Have 10-foot-tall Barron Trump search for snipers from his high vantage point: From up there, he can see things that normal human beings would never be able to spot.
Triple the size of Trump's current Secret Service detail to six people: The previously allotted security team of two ladies just isn't cutting it.
Strongly secure all doors by wedging chairs under the doorknobs like they do in the movies: If it's good enough to work in every drama from the 70s and 80s, it's good enough to work today.
Give Trump's Secret Service agents real guns from now on: In hindsight, the airsoft and bubble guns may be putting Trump's life in danger.
Politely ask the Harris-Walz campaign to stop referring to Trump as Hitler and calling him an existential threat to democracy: Nobody thinks this will actually happen, but it doesn't hurt to ask.
70-79, M
