Dell makes an awesome promise to its workers: “you'll NEVER get promoted again”.

Photo above - a cube farm at Dell Headquarters. Largely vacant. Photo courtesy of Glassdoor.com.

Dell wants employees to end WFH, and come back to the office. Don't ask me why – they just do. Maybe it's like pandemic public-school closures, and Dell-remote workers are always playing videogames, not completing their homework, and breaking into neighbors' houses when everyone else leaves for work?

In any case, Dell found the perfect solution. Never promote those workers again – ever. See link at bottom. Evidently you can't fire someone just for working from home. Just like you couldn't hold back an 8th grader who reads at the 3rd grade level and never logged in for 1 hour a day of remote instruction. THOSE kids all got promoted to the 9th grade. That's not gonna happen for the Dell-osians.

Of course, people who work from home don't get promoted anyway. Dell is just saying the quiet part out loud. Think about it: when was the last time you were on a Zoom call and Joe Shmoe from Two Egg, Florida (this is a real place) got singled out for congratulations and named regional VP? Yeah, it didn't happen where I work either.

The life-without-parole sentences at Dell are especially troublesome for some remote workers. If they sold their homes near the headquarters (in Texas) and bought picturesque places in Montana, Wyoming, and Two Egg Florida, it's hard to go back. Not without swallowing a ginormous new 7% mortgage.

One of the New York banks – I believe it was Chase – tried to tackle this worker migration problem a different way, a year or so ago. CEO Jamie Dimon said “Okay – we can't make you come back. But we can make you wish you had. You're now getting pay cuts commensurate with the lower living costs in Montana, Wyoming, and Florida”. He really said this. It's still being litigated in court, I believe.

Here's my theory: Dell actually doesn't give a Boca Raton whether the average worker comes back or not. Dell is first and foremost happy to stop handing out promotions and salary increases. And would be just as happy if that guy in Two Egg resigned. This is win-win for Dell.

How can we be sure remote Dell workers on the “mediocristan” part of the bell curve weren't going to get promoted anyway? Because they were too dumb to think 12 months ahead. About what would inevitably happen next, after corporate America got tired of covid 19 being a cover story for playing videogames and working as a free-lance programmer on company time.

I'm just sayin' . . .

Dell workers can stay remote — but they're not going to get promoted (msn.com)