Off the top of my head, these are my feelings

I need some encouragement, I don’t know what I’m doing
I can’t imagine a future
I can’t do this
Am I even doing the right thing? Am I going the right way?
Am I going to be okay?
What should I do?
I can’t calm down
I’m a trans man and I am gay

And I’m stuck playing the daughter of a conservative woman who thinks it’s okay to say to my newborn son “we will love you no matter what, as long as you’re not trans”.
Expected me to laugh.
This is after I came out to her.
Ten years ago

Now I’m so ashamed,
I lived her truth like a good little girl
I should have been telling the world
And sticking my finger up 🖕
Because this is not me, I am not weak
I am not fearful
Not apologetic
Or tearful
Not seeking approval from people like her…
But -
I have nowhere to go, and things tie me right here
I can’t go away
I Can’t disappear
The people around me, they complicate things
I can’t just do want, I can’t put myself first, I can’t say that I don’t care if my mother gets hurt
I can’t say that my son shouldn’t get to keep his mum
I can’t say that I don’t feel I would be inventing someone

….