The popular loner
Im a recluse but well known in my community, and whenever I get out i get a lot of attention. Almost like im a celebrity without the riches, and a reason for being famous. Im not on social either.My self esteem is not the lowest, i mean it can't be, people love the way i look and I've done some healing and accepting myself so basically i went from the ugly duckling to the beautiful swan. So attention can feel too much, i remember being ugly and a nobody. I still struggle with how i perceive people feel about me. I've always had imposter syndrome and feel guilty when people praise me for anything. Im a different race from most of the people around me. I don't think the same. Maybe im so deep cause i spend so much time alone. I feel safe alone but yearn to socialize. Most people respect and admire me but when your loved you get hate too. I intimidate people with what i say. I know too much, see too much and won't be anything other than who i truly am. I have trust issues because besides myself nobody's hurt me more than family, friends and lovers. I cut people off a lot, and quit everything (jobs,school, etc.) All i have is my teenage children 🩷. Even though i battle a mental illness daily im a great mother, my children are a reflection of that. I fear when they leave ill be completely alone forever so i have baby fever bad, and just had a miscarriage in February. That was another lonely, painful experience. Nobody seemed to care. The Father didn't care as much but i understand. There was never love or commitment between us just sex and chemistry. I haven't been in a real relationship since 2017, only flings, or toxic situationships. Besides my children the most socializing I do is with men. But now I've become scared of men while still hoping for a husband and more children. When it comes to my purpose in life besides being a mother im stuck. My faith and belief has held me back but keeps me safe and abundant. I know my talents and what gifts i have but it doesn't align with my faith so it is hard to embrace even though i was born with these abilities. I would be called a hypocrite if i put myself out there and used the talent and natural gifts i have. I also view myself as a hypocrite So I give up again. I watch other people online do what i know how to do but won't do. Sure jealousy arises but jealousy is ugly and im not ugly so i try to fix that part of me by taking accountability for my choices and actions and being grateful for what I have a being okay with who i am right now. I don't know where life's taking me next. I don't know who i am anymore or who I'm supposed to be or what im supposed to do. So ill just stay put and call this another dreadful season of isolation.
