What would you do?

For whatever reason, spilling my drink has always been a hardcore anger trigger for me. I’m working from 7pm to 6am tonight. I stopped at a gas station to get some coffee. I customised it. Only thing I couldn’t do was make it stronger. Luckily, I found some instant coffee at work. I went to add a spoonful and noticed that it was so moldy that it looked like spiders got all inside of it. Not just one or two spiders. No. This is where my issues begin. A clump had broken off and fallen into my drink. I had one sip out of it. I got so mad. I texted my wife (that I'm currently separated from) and offered 20 dollars for her to walk (because she doesn't have a car) the half-mile up here to drop me off a shitty canned coffee. I told her “never mind” very shortly after. Half an hour later she tells me that they are by the door. I told her id get her the 20 in the morning and she said “its ok, i empathize” i wasn't trying to spend 20 dollars on a crappy can of coffee. I feel obligated.

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LyricalOne · F

Wow are you high strung.

Pony up the 20 and look into anger management classes.

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

You have no idea.@LyricalOne

LyricalOne · F

@ShadowOfMyself That stuff will kill ya.

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

Dont get my hopes up. Seriously though, i have reached a point where i no longer believe chemicals have the ability to kill me. If they could i would have died from an OD. @LyricalOne

LyricalOne · F

@ShadowOfMyself Well I hope you don’t have any kids because they’d certainly deserve better.

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

I hate children@LyricalOne

LyricalOne · F

@ShadowOfMyself No worries, they'd probably hate you too. Sounds like you’re not gonna die so easily and that you’ll be around for a while. Painful wait without getting any help.

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

That sounds about what i deserve. Im going to keep cutting myself till one day i cut too deep. Im going to keep popping my xanax with my vodka until i ODP. Im going to keep smoking till i het cancer. Im going to drink until my liver gets sclerosis. All i do is wait to die. All i feel is pain. Unless i get high enough. Then i don't feel anything@LyricalOne

LyricalOne · F

@ShadowOfMyself If you’re so determined to die, why make it slow? There are many ways to end it far more quickly. Because you deserve it? That’s just your illness talking.

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

Well, i do deserve it. I deserve every cut and burn i have placed on me. I deserve the torture. Besides, if i hung myself then it would make two people in my life unhappy. Its better to stack the odds against myself so that it looks like an accident and/or out of my control. At least that way they wont blame themselves or whatever. Ive had alot of people in my circle end their lives and i never felt guilt, but from what these people have told me they will think “i should have been there i should have done more” and its just a pain in the neck all around. But if its an “accident” then only shrugs can be done@LyricalOne

LyricalOne · F

@ShadowOfMyself Ridiculous. You’re making the two people in your life unhappy now. You don’t think they can see what you’re doing? You think they won’t find a way to blame themselves anyway?

And if you were really that concerned about them, you’d do something to help yourself. What you’re doing is selfish and cowardly.

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

Thats because I'm a selfish coward. To answer your question: no, they don't, and no they wont. Im the only one who knows what i do. Me and my dealers. They are unhappy that im unhappy, but they are not generally unhappy. They will be “sad” when i die. “Aww. Oh well. Moving on” selfish cowards do what selfish cowards do. They wont find out it was on purpose. Ive been pretty good at making things look like accidents. This will be as easy @LyricalOne

LyricalOne · F

@ShadowOfMyself Lol.... you see life through the warped lens of drugs and mental illness so don’t give nearly enough credit to other people and what they know. But it’s also easier. You get to carry on with what you’re doing rather than manning up, getting help and taking control of your life.

ShadowOfMyself · 31-35, M

Exactly. Thank you@LyricalOne