I Am a Complicated Person

Sometime’s I think too much. It’s like everything I’ve been trying to ignore starts talking in my head and I can’t shut it up no matter how hard I try. I think if I keep myself really busy it’ll just fade away but it gets me at night. When I’m trying to sleep it swallows me whole and makes me want to hurt myself. Tonight I’m going to try writing because when I hurt myself it hurts others when they see it and I don’t want to do that. I keep thinking about why I’m so selfish and always so pessimistic. I get upset about things that haven’t even happened to me. I’ve had an ok life but still act like the whole world is against me. Like I get upset over the fact that my brothers in prison when it’s not me in prison for a crime I didn’t commit, it’s him, and maybe if I ever cared before he wouldn’t be there so I have no right to feel sad about it. I wonder why the worst type of people get to live, I think I’m not the worst type of person because I never hurt people intentionally but I’m still bad because I upset people. I wish people couldn’t get hurt by words I don’t mean especially when I don’t mean them in the way they sound but I guess I’m just that special kind of stupid that doesn’t think first. I hate that I hate myself but can’t stop hating myself because I always mess things up, and I mess them up even more when I try to fix them. I don’t know what’s right because I’d hurt people if I killed myself, yet I hurt people just from breathing sometimes. I just piss people off I don’t mean to. I like to help people I’m just one of those people who pisses you off just by saying hi. I wonder if I killed myself if it would get better for the people I love, because perhaps it’d hurt them but at least that’d be the last time right?