I have always been afraid of rejection. This is something left over from childhood abuse. This is why I usually push people away before they can reject me. Sometimes, I get brave and think about letting someone close again, after pushing them away. 😔
Usually, the person isn't very forgiving. We could blame them? So, I don't do that very often. When I do try to reach out again, and they are not open to trying again, I don't try more than once. I get the message.😔
All people are flawed, and many are broken, sometimes beyond repair. It takes a really special heart to try to heal people like this. 😔 Most can't help, because they to are afraid of rejection.😔
Sometimes, I want to overcome this. I want to be stronger, but my first reaction to anything weird in my interactions with others is interpreted in my mind as rejection. Then I push whoever I have been interacting with away. It is impulsive. It is self-protection, or at least, it was when I was a kid. Now it is just a dysfunction. Maybe, sometimes it isn't. I just don't know, and this is why I am not better about this, even though I am almost 60 years old. 😔
I think many abuse survivors (whether childhood or domestic or something else) do this cycle I speak of as a way of testing who is worth trusting. I mean, if someone is going to walk away because you have issues with how you have to deal with other people, it is best if they do it at the very beginning. Better for them and better for the survivor.😔
It has taken very special, highly determined, very patient people to get close to me. Ones that could get through this whole cycle I must go through, and not feel too rejected by it. There are only a handful of very gentle people close to me, but these people are very precious to me.❤❤❤
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