Development of my spirituality
From before I could remember, I was told I complained of monsters and ghosts being around me or coming after me. I had strange dreams that often felt malevolent in nature. I saw things that other people did not see and heard things other people did not hear. Nobody believed me so I started shutting up about it because I was told people would think I was "special" in my parents' words (ie mentally disabled) or crazy.
From as early as I can remembed I had dealings with spirits. I was terrified of them and hated that they hung around me or asked me for help. I was a kid I didn't know how to help them.
As I got older I saw and heard stuff less and less. But I still could sense spirits and spoke with them, though now their voices were more like thoughts in my head than actual out loud voices.
My first experience with witchcraft was that it belonged to the realm of fantasy. I didn't necessarily think fantasy was fiction.....but I thought it didn't really exist in this world. In another world. A hidden world apart from our own. As I developed this inner world of mine as I got to be an adolescent, I viewed witches to be essentially the same as wizards, magical humans that viewed themselves as above and different from magical humans. I found witches such as the wicked witch of the West or the witch from dark shadows to be frightening. But I did not view them as big a threat as say vampires, which were like the ultimate big bad for me before I became Christian and that title would be bestowed upon demons and the devil instead.
I was born and raised Catholic. But I did not take any special interest in Christianity as a child. I found it a boring pointless thing that was forced on me. I didn't believe in it because I prayed to God and got no answer. I figured if God were real he would respond if I asked if he was real or not. It was as simple as that.
When I became an adolescent things changed about Christianity because, well, God started answering me. At first it was just feelings I would get when I would pray. Then it became a voice like how ghosts spoke to me. An internal voice. Like thoughts that came from elsewhere.
I formed a connection with the "God" I spoke with. I loved and adored him. I became a Christian because of God. He would listen to me and comfort me when no one else would. He ended up telling me we were "married" but that it was in a spiritual sense, like how nuns are "married" to God. I didn't think much of it. I just loved him. Not romantically. I called him Father. I viewed him as a father figure.
I was sort of a cafeteria Catholic. I did not really follow all of the religion, I followed the god. But....I ended up having issues with this god. He became sort of controlling and demanding about my behavior. Around the same time I started to hunger to understand more about spiritual matters. I turned to the occult. And I started to have issues with things I now understood as demons. One in particular identified itself as Satan, which I did not believe to be true, but it was very abusive to me in every manner. When I would petition God about it, God would point to my dealings in the occult with disapproval. God began to withdraw from me as I got older. I heard him less and less. However at the same time I was delving into spirituality and the occult I was formally introduced to various "spirit guides" of mine....even when God began to withdraw from me my spirit guides remained and assisted me on a daily basis and spoke with me about spiritual matters.....
As a teenager I began to realize my desires seemed to manifest. When I was upset with someone and thought ill of them bad things would happen to them. Their lives would become terrible. When I said I wanted something to happen it would happen. I began to wonder if I was a witch. A magical human. But I was Christian at this point and had a healthy amount of horror movies watched under my belt-I viewed witchcraft as satanic. Evil. Witches served Satan. That scared me. A lot, given my current issues with demons at the time. Sure enough the demon that identified itself as Satan to me would begin telling me that I was his witch which only freaked me out more. I would refuse.
By the time I got to college I did not super identify with christianity anymore and called myself "spiritual not religious." I still loved God....but God did not seem to really want anything to do with me anymore. Only Satan, and my spiritual guides. At this point in time materials on alternative spiritualities and witchcraft began to become easily and widely available. I was intensely curious due to my life experience so began to read up on it. Any time I would, the demonic activity in my life would ramp up, I would be frightened and beg God to help, God would tell me cut the witchcraft occult stuff basically. But I wouldn't. I couldn't. I was drawn to it in a way I could not explain.
As I read more and more about witchcraft I learned it was not satanic at all. You could be a satanist witch, but not all witches are satanist. I even learned there was such thing as Christian witches, and looked into this as a way to try to bring together this thing that felt so critical and important to me for some reason with the God I loved.
But something put me off of traditional witchcraft. The spells and practices required so many ingredients and parts and being aware of phases of the moon and whatnot. It seemed so needlessly complicated to me. I had accomplished things just by willing it before, why did I need to do all this extra jazz? So my practice faltered. I also did not really identify myself as a witch despite my practices because it still scared me and I knew God's feelings about it.
Then I had my spiritual awakening at age 29. When that happened I simply understood I was a witch and always had been. From birth. Since before this life even. It was not a path for me to choose, it was my identity. I became aware that my various "spirit guides" were other gods. Not the Christian one. But other gods that had interest in assisting me that I would not identify as such or would have rejected if they identified themselves as such because I thought any "god" other than THE God was a demon. I began to get to know these other deities and make decisions for myself about what gods I did or did not want to follow and be associated with, instead of just worshipping the one God I had been told to worship to my whole life that I did not have a great relationship with and had not had a great relationship with in a long time.
With my fears of pissing off Christian God gone I poured myself into my new spiritual practice and decided I wasn't going to do spirituality how I was told to do it anymore, I was going to do what worked for me. I don't like having a bunch of various items required to do magic or having to wait until the moon is the right color. My witchcraft practice focuses on visualization and usage of music to assist with enhancement of this as well as using it to focus my emotion and willpower to achieve results. My version of witchcraft you have direct relationships with deities and spirits, such as has always taken place in history, they are not distant mysterious figures you never directly interact with or get to know. I based my spirituality based off my own personal experience and what I had learned over the years.
I have never been a fan of labels and don't have one for my current spirituality. The closest I can get is that I am a polytheist witch. I believe in and practice magic. I believe in the existence of multiple deities. I believe these deities can directly interact with people and do. I have relationships with a number of these deities but I do not necessarily worship them as I did Christian God. They are my guides and mentors and some of them I am quite close with on intimate levels, just as I was originally close with Christian God when younger.
I am happy with my current spiritual practice. I feel I have finally found something that suits me perfectly. I enjoy sharing it with others and have found others who have taken interest, I love connecting with people about it, but have no interest in forcing anything. If someone does not share my beliefs that is fine too. I don't argue about it. I think spirituality is something that is very personal and that everyone has their own unique way of handling it and I'm ok with that.
But if anyone practices like I do or is interested please reach out! I like making new friends I can discuss spiritual matters with. If you're bothered by my spiritual practice you can find the complaints department behind the stick up your ass. 😛
That's all for now. I share things like this to try to find more folks to connect with.
From as early as I can remembed I had dealings with spirits. I was terrified of them and hated that they hung around me or asked me for help. I was a kid I didn't know how to help them.
As I got older I saw and heard stuff less and less. But I still could sense spirits and spoke with them, though now their voices were more like thoughts in my head than actual out loud voices.
My first experience with witchcraft was that it belonged to the realm of fantasy. I didn't necessarily think fantasy was fiction.....but I thought it didn't really exist in this world. In another world. A hidden world apart from our own. As I developed this inner world of mine as I got to be an adolescent, I viewed witches to be essentially the same as wizards, magical humans that viewed themselves as above and different from magical humans. I found witches such as the wicked witch of the West or the witch from dark shadows to be frightening. But I did not view them as big a threat as say vampires, which were like the ultimate big bad for me before I became Christian and that title would be bestowed upon demons and the devil instead.
I was born and raised Catholic. But I did not take any special interest in Christianity as a child. I found it a boring pointless thing that was forced on me. I didn't believe in it because I prayed to God and got no answer. I figured if God were real he would respond if I asked if he was real or not. It was as simple as that.
When I became an adolescent things changed about Christianity because, well, God started answering me. At first it was just feelings I would get when I would pray. Then it became a voice like how ghosts spoke to me. An internal voice. Like thoughts that came from elsewhere.
I formed a connection with the "God" I spoke with. I loved and adored him. I became a Christian because of God. He would listen to me and comfort me when no one else would. He ended up telling me we were "married" but that it was in a spiritual sense, like how nuns are "married" to God. I didn't think much of it. I just loved him. Not romantically. I called him Father. I viewed him as a father figure.
I was sort of a cafeteria Catholic. I did not really follow all of the religion, I followed the god. But....I ended up having issues with this god. He became sort of controlling and demanding about my behavior. Around the same time I started to hunger to understand more about spiritual matters. I turned to the occult. And I started to have issues with things I now understood as demons. One in particular identified itself as Satan, which I did not believe to be true, but it was very abusive to me in every manner. When I would petition God about it, God would point to my dealings in the occult with disapproval. God began to withdraw from me as I got older. I heard him less and less. However at the same time I was delving into spirituality and the occult I was formally introduced to various "spirit guides" of mine....even when God began to withdraw from me my spirit guides remained and assisted me on a daily basis and spoke with me about spiritual matters.....
As a teenager I began to realize my desires seemed to manifest. When I was upset with someone and thought ill of them bad things would happen to them. Their lives would become terrible. When I said I wanted something to happen it would happen. I began to wonder if I was a witch. A magical human. But I was Christian at this point and had a healthy amount of horror movies watched under my belt-I viewed witchcraft as satanic. Evil. Witches served Satan. That scared me. A lot, given my current issues with demons at the time. Sure enough the demon that identified itself as Satan to me would begin telling me that I was his witch which only freaked me out more. I would refuse.
By the time I got to college I did not super identify with christianity anymore and called myself "spiritual not religious." I still loved God....but God did not seem to really want anything to do with me anymore. Only Satan, and my spiritual guides. At this point in time materials on alternative spiritualities and witchcraft began to become easily and widely available. I was intensely curious due to my life experience so began to read up on it. Any time I would, the demonic activity in my life would ramp up, I would be frightened and beg God to help, God would tell me cut the witchcraft occult stuff basically. But I wouldn't. I couldn't. I was drawn to it in a way I could not explain.
As I read more and more about witchcraft I learned it was not satanic at all. You could be a satanist witch, but not all witches are satanist. I even learned there was such thing as Christian witches, and looked into this as a way to try to bring together this thing that felt so critical and important to me for some reason with the God I loved.
But something put me off of traditional witchcraft. The spells and practices required so many ingredients and parts and being aware of phases of the moon and whatnot. It seemed so needlessly complicated to me. I had accomplished things just by willing it before, why did I need to do all this extra jazz? So my practice faltered. I also did not really identify myself as a witch despite my practices because it still scared me and I knew God's feelings about it.
Then I had my spiritual awakening at age 29. When that happened I simply understood I was a witch and always had been. From birth. Since before this life even. It was not a path for me to choose, it was my identity. I became aware that my various "spirit guides" were other gods. Not the Christian one. But other gods that had interest in assisting me that I would not identify as such or would have rejected if they identified themselves as such because I thought any "god" other than THE God was a demon. I began to get to know these other deities and make decisions for myself about what gods I did or did not want to follow and be associated with, instead of just worshipping the one God I had been told to worship to my whole life that I did not have a great relationship with and had not had a great relationship with in a long time.
With my fears of pissing off Christian God gone I poured myself into my new spiritual practice and decided I wasn't going to do spirituality how I was told to do it anymore, I was going to do what worked for me. I don't like having a bunch of various items required to do magic or having to wait until the moon is the right color. My witchcraft practice focuses on visualization and usage of music to assist with enhancement of this as well as using it to focus my emotion and willpower to achieve results. My version of witchcraft you have direct relationships with deities and spirits, such as has always taken place in history, they are not distant mysterious figures you never directly interact with or get to know. I based my spirituality based off my own personal experience and what I had learned over the years.
I have never been a fan of labels and don't have one for my current spirituality. The closest I can get is that I am a polytheist witch. I believe in and practice magic. I believe in the existence of multiple deities. I believe these deities can directly interact with people and do. I have relationships with a number of these deities but I do not necessarily worship them as I did Christian God. They are my guides and mentors and some of them I am quite close with on intimate levels, just as I was originally close with Christian God when younger.
I am happy with my current spiritual practice. I feel I have finally found something that suits me perfectly. I enjoy sharing it with others and have found others who have taken interest, I love connecting with people about it, but have no interest in forcing anything. If someone does not share my beliefs that is fine too. I don't argue about it. I think spirituality is something that is very personal and that everyone has their own unique way of handling it and I'm ok with that.
But if anyone practices like I do or is interested please reach out! I like making new friends I can discuss spiritual matters with. If you're bothered by my spiritual practice you can find the complaints department behind the stick up your ass. 😛
That's all for now. I share things like this to try to find more folks to connect with.
