I’m into spanking, he is vanilla. Please help!

Hello,

This is my first time ever writing about my spanking fetish, so I’m sorry for the unnecessary rambling, I just really need to talk about it all to people who can understand me. I hope that someone here will be able to help me.

Quick background: I’ve been fascinated with spanking my entire conscious life, but started to realize that it’s the core of my sexual identity only recently. I was struggling with feelings of shame and guilt, and it’s still hard for me to fully accept my identity. In theory I understand that as long as there is consent, adults can do anything, but in practice I somehow feel “broken”. I’m not into sex — I’m not disgusted by it, but honestly I don’t see the point. The only thing that turns me on and makes me physically aroused is watching disciplinary spanking videos or reading similar stories. Nothing else.

My main problem and question: my husband, whom I love with all my heart, is not a spanking fetishist. He knows about my spanking obsession, and does his best to spank me just the way I want it (I wrote a letter to him outlining in detail what I like). However, it never feels the same as when I watch spanking videos. I do get physically wet sometimes (and this never happens when he touches me or when we have sex), but I never feel turned on. Is this normal? Are your sensations different when you are being spanked vs when you watch someone being spanked? Is it possible to be turned on only by watching but not by engaging in spanking?

Also, any advice on having a relationship with a “vanilla” partner would be very appreciated. I would never leave him because our relationship is perfect in every other respect, but I wish we could figure out this one too. Do you have sex with your partner just “for” them and do they know about it? Do you notice a difference when being spanked by your partner vs another spanking fetishist?

We are not ready to open up our relationship, and going to a spanking party sounds scary at the moment (I’m very shy). Also, I just wish we could have a satisfying spanking and sexual relationship, just the two of us, I wish he could turn me on in real life. He is willing to listen and to try things, but I feel so much guilt for not “wanting” his body and sex. If you have similar feelings, how do you deal with them?

Thank you very much, any advice/thoughts would be very appreciated!

EuropeanLarch · 61-69

I've had the same challenge with my intimate spouse for nearely 40 years. I didn't believe such emotional needs and feelings that are created by another person who actually also enjoys the feelings of punishment power either receiving or giving until the internet demonstrated it was a real human phenomenon. I too was embarassed and ashamed of such feelings. Once I understood this was a part of my sexual needs and emotional needs I explained it to my spouse. She viewed it as abnormal but was compassionate and tried to be my discipline partner but could not emotionally deliver the needed authoritarian control and punishment mentality. I eventually found another BDSM partner online who I introduced to my spouse. The woman was older than I and I had little to no attraction to her as a heterosexual partner but she enjoyed her own feelings of being a dominant partner and we would participate in a few local kink meetings and eventually one kink event where she and I had the chance to enjoy a scene that lasted nearly half and hour. Sadly she passed away 10 years ago and I can only enjoy my sexuality by internet spanking sites now. I also at one point in my journey grouped up with about 10 other married couples online and we eventually held a common vacation together at a private rented cabin where the couples could exchange among themselves spankings if they wished. My spouse did not participate but allow me to experience it. It was wonderful. I believe the best emotional and physical needs are met by finding another partner who actually enjoys the role of sadist as a spanker for a submissive spankee. I did a lot of psychological study on why I was the way I was and actually sought and received some professional counseling for a time to sort out all my feelings of abuse and sexuality from my childhood spankings from my mother who I believe always hid her own enjoyment of the sadistic role in administering common corporal punishment. Many still debate this need, to spank or be spanked is a genetic created need, but I believe it is created by the experience of being spanked or seeing a spanking of a child in your youth. The sexual attachment to this act came from accidental sexual arousal occurring from genital stimulation while being prepared for or during the actual spanking. Having a sexual fetish with spanking is more than just the physical impact itself. The sexual arousal a child felt IF it occurred during the punishment also identified the spanker then who was about to inflict pain as a loving trusted figure who was going to punish with this act that was designed to emotionally shame them also so a desire to be forced to feel shame from being punished in such a vulnerable state with forced positioning and intimate exposure of ones private parts are part of the whole sexual desire from spanking. I wish you the best to find a trusted BDSM group and partner that both you and your spouse can trust to experience this emotional and physical need without offending or cheating on your life long partner. I only wish present culture would accept that a risk of spanking children is that it does change their sexuality to a need to feel sexually and emotionally satisfied which truly reduces your sexual and life long partner pool. That is a form of abuse in my mind because the parent, even if accidentally inflicted took something precious away from their child and complicated their entire adult life!

joe438 · 61-69, M

I’ve had relationships like that and I’m kind of in one now. She knows of my interests but she really doesn’t understand. I’d be happy to message with you if you’d like.

nevergiveup · M

I live in a DD relationship. I sometimes help others that feel they need help. PM me if you want to talk