Breaking: Kamala Harris Loses Benefits After Hours Get Cut At Work

WASHINGTON—Left reeling after discovering she no longer qualified for healthcare coverage through her White House job, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly lost her benefits Wednesday after her hours got cut at work. “Are you kidding me? Those assholes didn’t even warn me first,” said Harris, who was furious after checking the paper schedule posted outside the chief of staff’s office and learning she had only been assigned three 8-hour shifts as vice president for the coming week. “This is such bullshit. It’s not like I like working here, but I need this fucking job! And it’s not like I can just go get a second job, because the schedule changes every week. Those complete dicks! They’re trying to push me out! I should have known this was going to happen when they refused to offer me a 401(k) even though all my aides have one.” Harris added that the worst part was that she was scheduled to be vice president on Saturday night.

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