I love Disney and it is an escape from the real world

I recently watched Hercules, the lion king, and mufasa the lion king. Songs stuck in my head are circle of life, can you feel the love tonight, milele, tell me it’s you, and I always wanted a brother. Also I can’t wait to be king. These movies have very relatable life lessons about the interconnectedness of life and every living being has. a role to play. Watching these movies like a lot of Disney films brings me back to a time in my life when I was a young kid and things were simpler. I would wish to be a kid again ( without the feeling misunderstood and invalidated and feeling controlled to be something I wasn’t from adults in my life and bullying from some of my peers) because I wish I could get a second chance at life to grow up without developing mental illnesses and developed high levels of internal motivation. Disney movies and other movies like anime are an escape from the real world. I have always been an escapist with my head in the clouds. Real life never measured up to the fantasy worlds I created in my head, watched on tv or in movies, or read in books. The truth is I got older but I never grew up. I let myself fall behind on many adult milestones because I never took initiative to learn things on my own and eventually I became accustomed to being taken care of. I’m truly scared to transition to taking care of myself even with supports in place. Also even when I had more of a life and was somewhat more independent such as being able to drive around locally ( I wasn’t allowed to drive long distances) as I grew older it was becoming more obvious something was not quite right with me because I didn’t naturally take to adult responsibilities and sometimes I for example would park my car somewhere like at a big park or at a mall and forgot where I parked and got into a panic. I quit things easily when I wasn’t going fast enough to learn what I wanted or I got flustered on course content and final exams for lifetime access online courses. I quit everything so easily. I hated any obstacles in my path because I wanted to make money and leave New England permanently. I am not entrepreneurial and trying to employ myself was a dud. I got a total of like three clients at different times for dog walking and pet sitting. I hate cleaning but did housecleaning with only two clients at different times. It didn’t last long. Working minimum wage unskilled jobs in retail/sales/customer service and home health care was a disaster. I lasted one night as a janitor because I was spooked shitless at the medical building. Turns out it used to be an emergency center where people had died there. So it could have been haunted. Selling things online lasted only a few weeks because I literally sold only three items and that was it for minimal money. I should have just finished university and gotten my degrees and also done ( had I not gotten confused) my vocational courses with certificates of completion and diplomas. Now in my 30s I have a huge mess to undo. I have to learn to take care of myself because my parents will not always be around and healthy to take care of me. I’m so scared to be an adult. I always wanted to be an adult when I was a child and adolescent because I thought I could make all my own choices and be myself without anyone stopping me. Well that’s not the way it turned out. Now I’m struggling to transition to adult life because of my disabilities and also low motivation. I will have limitations in my life which makes me want to cry. But I guess I have to make the most of life even with mental health conditions. I will probably work part time with disability benefits and have a disability trust for extras that I need. I have a mental health care team and a family who loves me ( though is rude and obnoxious about how i dress and way I keep my room) . Well when I live on my own I will not have to hear it every other day. I have to learn basic domestic skills like cooking/baking and have the energy to clean my living areas in the house. I do laundry just fine. I need to learn how to budget and pay bills. And also complete household and personal shopping. I need to stick to my appointments and learn to get up earlier everyday even though I feel like falling asleep and never waking up because I’m in emotional pain. I also eventually need to finish my higher education and vocational training courses to be able to get some part time flexible remote work. This will lead to more income for me so I can have some cushioning to buy extra things and save a little. If I’m on disability benefits I can’t have more than $2,000 in financial assets. I feel like going on disability in a way is a trap to keep you poor. There is no sliding scale you have over $2,000 dollars in your bank account or make more than $1,500-$1,600 per month immediately your benefits get terminated. Going through the process again takes time and so much energy out of you. We don’t have more robust social safety nets like other developed countries. I mean I’m grateful to get anything I can to help me through tough times but it’s not enough to live on if you are going through a rocky transition. Only seven hundred dollars per month that doesn’t even cover the cost of food per month or rent. Part of me feels really bad for being on disability and eventually I hope to have enough work to make a decent income on my own. My parents say because of my mental disabilities I shouldn’t jeopardize my disability payments because it took them forever to have me accepted for social security. The advice is work part time to supplement social security income and not make more than is allowed. I feel I could work enough part time maybe 20 hours per week and make $2,000-$3,000 per month that’s very little left over after taxes but it would be seen as too much to get any financial help I think. I would be lucky to make $4,000-$8,000 a month yet that’s on full time hours and I feel like I can’t handle full time hours without getting burned out. Full time meaning 40+ hours per week. I could handle maybe half that but it’s not enough to live off of. 20-25 hours are probably the most I can handle. 30 hours on a really good week. Being disabled sucks. Admittedly sometimes I just wish I had a kind, gentle but wealthy spouse who could provide for both of us while I worked part time to make some independent money. I wouldn’t be a stay at home wife exactly but I also wouldn’t have the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. I could get on their health insurance and move with them to the American southwest. I wouldn’t need to be on disability if I had a spouse who was financially comfortable and could provide for me while I did part time careers like proofreading/editing, translation/transcription, writing/blogging and many other types of careers. I wish I found someone who could help me pay off my student loans once and for all, pay for me to go to university again so my parents don’t have to or I will not have do it on my own with the help of vocational rehabilitation commission and Provide for me while I worked part time hours.and also could help my sister pay off her student loans too and help my family even though my parents make I think an upper middle class income. I would feel more secure being protected like that and financially provided for with the exception of some part time careers. I’m not cut out for the cutthroat nature of the world. If it wasn’t for my family I would already be dead or homeless. People would probably shake their heads at me and think I’m a gold digger. I would want someone I could love and be faithful to but someone who could also provide a comfortable lifestyle for me. I’m never getting my ex boyfriend back and I loved him regardless if he was poor or not. So the next best thing would be a spouse who could give me financial security and be loving, kind, gentle person. I used to think I could do it all on my own and I would be able to work full time at at a purposeful, lucrative career but now I have my doubts. I doubt even making $ 50,000-$100,000 now would be enough to sustain myself if I lived in a high cost area. I feel like I am limited in where I can move unless my family moves somewhere else and takes me along with them. My supports are here ( my family and mental health care team) and I need all the supports I can get. My life definitely did not turn out the way I imagined it would. Eventually I will only have my mental health care team left and maybe my sister. So I imagined moving across the country on my own to the American southwest or living in foreign countries as a digital nomad but those people who make it work probably don’t have my challenges. I probably will never rent to own an rv motorhome and travel across the continent in it. I probably will never own my own house even a tiny home on wheels. My travels will probably be only with family because that will be the only way I can afford it. Or unless I have wealthy friends who don’t mind paying for others for trips or an affluent lover/significant other or spouse who could help me. Reality bites. It’s also not just a matter of working hard enough to achieve your dreams and goals. Life is expensive and catches up with you. Also I need to learn to not overpack my suitcases and carry ons because I need a lot of warm stuff and layers unless it’s scorching hot outside. Dressing in many layers is a nightmare at the airport when you have to go through TSA just to go on a plane. I hate being cramped on planes for hours on end. And if I travelled on my own I know I would get easily lost. Yes seeing new places once you get off the plane is exciting but the journey on the plane to it and being at the airports is exhausting and aggravating. The actual sightseeing and exploration part is an exciting adventure though. Anyway Disney and anime and others movies. Television, films and books are great distractions from real life and the depressing parts of it. Many times I wish I lived in a fantasy world that was created in my head or from a movie, tv, or a book where anything was possible rather than the harsh real world.