I hit rock bottom and then everything worked out. [I Think I'M A Sociopath]
So this is my updated life it sfarts of depressing but turns out great...
So, life got so bad with my kids the eldest one actually started bullying me and my daughter did the same she started smashing the whole house up not just her room and she started running away, smoking shoplifting and threatened me. She attacked my youngest son and started smoking. because she kept running away i couldnt get to work so they asked me kindly to leave before they sacked me. I called social services and begged for them to take my daughtwr so i could try and mend my family bit by bit but my daughter told them that i verbally abuse her and they listened so they started blaming me for everytning that was happening. My son grew more hatefull of me and his sister and they eventually came to blows and ahe pulled a knife on him. I started drinking too much quietly just to get through the endless night. I called the police many times when my daughter ran away each time they told social services because we were now listed. They sent a social worker who said they wouldnt be taking the kids but i need parenting lessons. The parental units came back into our lives and basically said i was a failure and my daughter should go live with her, this was after i tried to reach out for a hug as i was by now severly depressed and crying constantly. The final straw came when my daughter and my son stood over me while i was on the sofa and my son started punching me getting close but not making contact. I begged hom to stop and started crying. I snapped i got up calmly and went to the bathroon shut the door and tried to hang myself. My youngest who was also smashing the house up not this night though tried to get in to stop me. I came to my senses and stopped. What didnt shock me was my son saying let her die she is worthless and my daughter laughing. The next day my daughter told someone at school and the same social worker came round saying this was normal behaviour of kids and if i couldnt cope i shiuldnt have had them. There were meetings after meetings and by now i was just in a daze. A few things happened in order now...the final time the police came after i rung them about my daughter running away. She had smashed the house up and i was sitting in the middle of the mess hugging my youngest as now he had apologized for doing what he did and became and still is protective of me and wont have anyone in the family say anything mean to me. The woman officer cried and went mad at someone in the social services office after she asked me for the direct number. She took pictures and consolled me telling me tbe system has let me down and they wernt leaving till tbey sorted it out. They took pictures of the destroyed flat and after an hour of helping me clean up my daughter came back with an attitude. The male officer asked me permission to talk to my daughter alone outside. She gave him attitude. An out of hours social worker came and my eldest son told her he wanted to go live with his grandad so he packed didnt say a word and went with her. Next day i had a call from the usual social worker who said they had found placements for my youngest and my daughter. This hit home and my daughter now saw the consequences of actions. The parential units came in and together we fought the social service well i thought that was what was happening i was still in a daze. My sister took my youngest son to give me a break and my female parental unit took my daughter. The social services backed of now i had help. My other sister helped me by staying with me in the days. A few days later my daughter rings me up crying saying she hates it at her nans i say nothing. A social worker came and saw that there was peace at home and even though i had put on a ton of weight through stress eating i looked better. My sister bought my youngest back as he hated it there and wanted to come home. My sister said my daughter should live at her nans. I went to visit with my other sister. Things were not good. Her nan had forced her to wear things she didnt want forced her to go to church tried to get her into a different school and called her fat multiple times. Her nan was angry at her and shouted at her along with the sister that took my youngest because she didnt want to live with her nan. They were also angry at my other sister as she wasnt on their side. My mom threatened to tell social services that i wasnt a fit mom and she should keep my daughter. My daughter snapped and shouted I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU I WANT MY MOM. She told her to pack her bag and get out.we left in a taxi and went home. My daughter put her head on my shoulder and said im sorry. We got home cleaned up watched films in bed. The next few months the social services stopped coming altogether and i had a go at them as they hadnt been to see my eldest son who now looked like a tramp and was just on his computer all the time obviously neglect which i knew would happen if he lived with his grandad as his grandad only cares about the pup the bookies and his garden. The last meeting came and went and my daughters school who had shown me support beyond measure stepped in and even called my daughter selfish and ungratefull which im glad they did. They got both of them councelling at school and put my daughter in SEND for kids with extra needs, i didnt need to fill anythi g out. My youngest got sighned up to after school clubs and they wrote a letter of complainet to the social worker who didnt bother to turn up to progress meetings. A few months after we no longer had social services on our path case closed officially. I called my son to check up on him and he talked like he was going to kill himself. Straight away i called my daughters school to get help and they guided me. I rang the social worker that was still supposed to be seeing my eldest and i said i want him home now go pick him up as i had no money now to fetch him. They said they couldnt help. I went to the job centre to try and get a loan they said they couldnt help but when i started begging and burst into tears and told them why i need the money they helped me by ringing the social worker for me to get the money. In the end i got the taxi paid for and i went to pick him up. Next day i started to help him by taking him to the job center to get some kind of help and i fed him with the little food we had i made it stretch. I hugged him and told him i love him as i did with all 3. He was sitting on sofa and dinner was ready. He didnt like it he said he would leave and go back to his grandads when he got his first payment from the job centre. (I did think it was weird he didnt unpack his suitcase he used me to sort his life) the next day i kicked him out and he went back. I dont call him anymore. Life is grand now the youngest and my daughter now know their boundries and dont push me anymore. My son has stopped.being so clingy but is still protective over me. I do yoga and even though i have lost the ability to love or to care about others i can still be there for my daughter and my youngest without having feelings. I can still tell them the words i love you and cuddle them etc. i dont cry anymore and im honest about being a sociopath. I love it i was heading there anyway i just embraced it life is so much sweeter when nothing can hurt you. I did sighn myself up for counciling i watched netflix while speaking to het on the phone. I had one session and admitted to her that i love being dead inside i can now enjoy things without feeling well anything at all, and i want to stay like this she couldnt say anything i told her thankyou and put rhe phone down and carried on with my boxset. While the kids slept. I now am a size uk 12 and i dont drink anymore i dont need to. And in lockdown ive learnt how to cook korean food and im now because of yoga extremely flexible. The kids love there internet tik tok and all that shit and ive watched a shit load of how to youtube vidoes and can make anything out of cardboard and my new glue gun. I have no friends or family and im loving it. I have good money now im not working yet as i cant but its ok i dont feel shame anymore. And my cat is loving the peace. I am now who im supposed to be... free. There is probably loads of spelling mistakes but i dont care.
So, life got so bad with my kids the eldest one actually started bullying me and my daughter did the same she started smashing the whole house up not just her room and she started running away, smoking shoplifting and threatened me. She attacked my youngest son and started smoking. because she kept running away i couldnt get to work so they asked me kindly to leave before they sacked me. I called social services and begged for them to take my daughtwr so i could try and mend my family bit by bit but my daughter told them that i verbally abuse her and they listened so they started blaming me for everytning that was happening. My son grew more hatefull of me and his sister and they eventually came to blows and ahe pulled a knife on him. I started drinking too much quietly just to get through the endless night. I called the police many times when my daughter ran away each time they told social services because we were now listed. They sent a social worker who said they wouldnt be taking the kids but i need parenting lessons. The parental units came back into our lives and basically said i was a failure and my daughter should go live with her, this was after i tried to reach out for a hug as i was by now severly depressed and crying constantly. The final straw came when my daughter and my son stood over me while i was on the sofa and my son started punching me getting close but not making contact. I begged hom to stop and started crying. I snapped i got up calmly and went to the bathroon shut the door and tried to hang myself. My youngest who was also smashing the house up not this night though tried to get in to stop me. I came to my senses and stopped. What didnt shock me was my son saying let her die she is worthless and my daughter laughing. The next day my daughter told someone at school and the same social worker came round saying this was normal behaviour of kids and if i couldnt cope i shiuldnt have had them. There were meetings after meetings and by now i was just in a daze. A few things happened in order now...the final time the police came after i rung them about my daughter running away. She had smashed the house up and i was sitting in the middle of the mess hugging my youngest as now he had apologized for doing what he did and became and still is protective of me and wont have anyone in the family say anything mean to me. The woman officer cried and went mad at someone in the social services office after she asked me for the direct number. She took pictures and consolled me telling me tbe system has let me down and they wernt leaving till tbey sorted it out. They took pictures of the destroyed flat and after an hour of helping me clean up my daughter came back with an attitude. The male officer asked me permission to talk to my daughter alone outside. She gave him attitude. An out of hours social worker came and my eldest son told her he wanted to go live with his grandad so he packed didnt say a word and went with her. Next day i had a call from the usual social worker who said they had found placements for my youngest and my daughter. This hit home and my daughter now saw the consequences of actions. The parential units came in and together we fought the social service well i thought that was what was happening i was still in a daze. My sister took my youngest son to give me a break and my female parental unit took my daughter. The social services backed of now i had help. My other sister helped me by staying with me in the days. A few days later my daughter rings me up crying saying she hates it at her nans i say nothing. A social worker came and saw that there was peace at home and even though i had put on a ton of weight through stress eating i looked better. My sister bought my youngest back as he hated it there and wanted to come home. My sister said my daughter should live at her nans. I went to visit with my other sister. Things were not good. Her nan had forced her to wear things she didnt want forced her to go to church tried to get her into a different school and called her fat multiple times. Her nan was angry at her and shouted at her along with the sister that took my youngest because she didnt want to live with her nan. They were also angry at my other sister as she wasnt on their side. My mom threatened to tell social services that i wasnt a fit mom and she should keep my daughter. My daughter snapped and shouted I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU I WANT MY MOM. She told her to pack her bag and get out.we left in a taxi and went home. My daughter put her head on my shoulder and said im sorry. We got home cleaned up watched films in bed. The next few months the social services stopped coming altogether and i had a go at them as they hadnt been to see my eldest son who now looked like a tramp and was just on his computer all the time obviously neglect which i knew would happen if he lived with his grandad as his grandad only cares about the pup the bookies and his garden. The last meeting came and went and my daughters school who had shown me support beyond measure stepped in and even called my daughter selfish and ungratefull which im glad they did. They got both of them councelling at school and put my daughter in SEND for kids with extra needs, i didnt need to fill anythi g out. My youngest got sighned up to after school clubs and they wrote a letter of complainet to the social worker who didnt bother to turn up to progress meetings. A few months after we no longer had social services on our path case closed officially. I called my son to check up on him and he talked like he was going to kill himself. Straight away i called my daughters school to get help and they guided me. I rang the social worker that was still supposed to be seeing my eldest and i said i want him home now go pick him up as i had no money now to fetch him. They said they couldnt help. I went to the job centre to try and get a loan they said they couldnt help but when i started begging and burst into tears and told them why i need the money they helped me by ringing the social worker for me to get the money. In the end i got the taxi paid for and i went to pick him up. Next day i started to help him by taking him to the job center to get some kind of help and i fed him with the little food we had i made it stretch. I hugged him and told him i love him as i did with all 3. He was sitting on sofa and dinner was ready. He didnt like it he said he would leave and go back to his grandads when he got his first payment from the job centre. (I did think it was weird he didnt unpack his suitcase he used me to sort his life) the next day i kicked him out and he went back. I dont call him anymore. Life is grand now the youngest and my daughter now know their boundries and dont push me anymore. My son has stopped.being so clingy but is still protective over me. I do yoga and even though i have lost the ability to love or to care about others i can still be there for my daughter and my youngest without having feelings. I can still tell them the words i love you and cuddle them etc. i dont cry anymore and im honest about being a sociopath. I love it i was heading there anyway i just embraced it life is so much sweeter when nothing can hurt you. I did sighn myself up for counciling i watched netflix while speaking to het on the phone. I had one session and admitted to her that i love being dead inside i can now enjoy things without feeling well anything at all, and i want to stay like this she couldnt say anything i told her thankyou and put rhe phone down and carried on with my boxset. While the kids slept. I now am a size uk 12 and i dont drink anymore i dont need to. And in lockdown ive learnt how to cook korean food and im now because of yoga extremely flexible. The kids love there internet tik tok and all that shit and ive watched a shit load of how to youtube vidoes and can make anything out of cardboard and my new glue gun. I have no friends or family and im loving it. I have good money now im not working yet as i cant but its ok i dont feel shame anymore. And my cat is loving the peace. I am now who im supposed to be... free. There is probably loads of spelling mistakes but i dont care.
41-45, F
