I Am a Sociopath

Part of being a sociopath is a lack of trust in people.
We expect them to be just like us, and in some cases make them act like us just to prove they aren't to be trusted.

I, for the last few weeks have been talking online with someone I have known for years, but fell out of contact with. They have a complicated life, not dissimilar to my own. So, why am I writing about this?

I love this person. I have for a rather long time. This person can directly engage with my Monster and doesn't seem completely unsettled by it. This person can engage with the mask i strive to be, and finds it adorable and comforting.

So, what is the issue? They are in a relationship in addition to some other logistical issues. Make no assumptions, I know that this person does not 'belong' to me in any way.

But my Monster is jealous of their relationship and wants to go scorched earth on it and leave no block standing upon another.

My mask however knows I would lose my relationship with this person as a result. I strive to be a good person and a good friend. This includes being the ear after a fight.

Ok, but what about trust? You hooked us with trust!
Ok ok ok. Today I talked with this person about their birthday. I have some funds set aside to get them something. I put out a few options, and got an answer. A few moments later, the other person in that relationship's name came up... Instantly, Monster got paranoid, and irrationally the thought of being used for gifts came to mind. "You aren't ever going to enjoy this gift, or see it enjoyed. The other one is, idiot. What are you doing this in the first place? You are being used, and deserve to be used for letting it happen, fool."

This person has done N O T H I N G to make me feel like i'm being used, and yet my jealous Monster had to have a say.... OH, and this person has a chance to see this since they know I write here daily. So that is awesome. But this was what was on my mind and so I share. For better or worse.

greenmountaingal · 70-79, F

Sociopathic personalities are not this honest nor concerned with emotions; they tend to write with a flat affect and rarely think through or discuss relationships. And they don't "love" anyone. You may be an oddball or have personal issues but you are probably not a sociopath.

AshTheShade · 41-45, M

Everyone likes to cast doubt, and toss around reasons why they think the way they do. But remember that you get only a snapshot of a thought or event and I struggle to 'be normal'. It is rare that I will wrote thoughts from the unfiltered side. But it does happen, especially around the holidays.

Being honest is a key to my appearing normal. I force myself to think before I say something. I say it once or twice in my head first. If I dont, a lie can slip out as easy as a breath.

As for emotions? I just wrote about emotions the other day. I have vague memories of most. Passion is all I have left, be is the rage that is our stereotype or love. Or at least what I have come to recognize as love.

Talking or writing about them helps me analyze things, and sharing may help someone else.