I Am a Sociopath

I said I was going to write here daily, so here I am.

All kids are sociopaths, and many continue to be until mid way through their 20s. They are focused on themselves and push boundaries in order to find the limits of what they can get away with.

So, I was lucky that this happened to me as such a young age. It game me a chance to learn to blend in with everyone else. I was far from perfect at it. I hadn't learned to control the anger yet. Anything could set me off back then, and often did. Unconnected events would chain together to an eruption.

I think it was in 1999, that I had first found balance again. A girl asked me to a formal dance at her school. Normally I process a question first. Apply the filter to try and fit in. That didn't happen. I answered instantly and only after I answered did I even realize I had done so. I had agreed to take her. She and I dated for 3 years before she left me in early spring of 2001.

During my time with her, I felt balanced again. I felt calm and at peace when she was with me. When she broke up with me, that shattered. My anger was instantly at an 8 of 10. I was blind sided by it. But I have enough awareness that I had to let it out. I punched the rail of the deck, at the vertical support beam. Nearly broke my wrist, left an impression on the wood rail... I had to leave and did so quickly.

That was the start of the Hell that was 2001.