My father is a narcissist (kinda long)

I’ll be moving out soon.

My father may be somewhat stable now but it’s only a matter of time before he has another one of his episodes.

This is what he does. He’s mild most days of the week but he’ll eventually rage again about something. And I refuse to be “the cause” behind his next anger outburst.

No, I’m not some brat, I learned pretty early on as a kid to help with chores and keep the house clean, especially with his temper.

But it doesn’t matter. The crazy look in his eyes will eventually resurface.

A few months back I had attempted to escape this hell called home. It was during one of his outbursts. I don’t remember exactly what we were arguing about. I remember him ridiculing me and shoving me away from the stove. I just remember it was something petty. He went from 0 to 100 fast. On that particular night, I told him I was done with his crap and began packing my stuff to leave despite not having a car or place to go.

As I was heading towards the door, he stepped in front of me and demanded that I give him my house key. I told him I didn’t have it on me and that I had it somewhere in the house. This only angered him more. His eyes got furious and he stepped towards me like he was gonna strike me. I wouldn’t stand a chance in a physical brawl with my father who’s much stronger than me.

I felt scared because he was stomping around, screaming and cussing me out. He ordered me to go look for the key around the whole house. I tried to reason with him and asked: “Why the hell would I wanna keep the key?! I don’t want to be anywhere near you, I wanna get the hell out of here!”

Again, he stepped towards me like he was gonna assault me. He gestured with his fingers that he was “this close” 🤏🏼 to losing his control and that I was pissing him off.

I knew that i had to keep my mouth shut after that. He asked me to check the backyard next.

While I searched back there, I thought maybe I should escape through the backyard gate because at this point my father was in a furious rage and I wasn’t sure that I was gonna ever find that key.

I eventually did find the stupid key and handed it to him.

And to my surprise, he insisted that I stay. He then warned me that if I left, I wouldn’t be able to come back again.

I said I was done with him and then he screamed: “THEN GET THE F*** OUT! GET THE F*** OUT”

So that’s what I did.

I barely squeezed my way out the door with my two fully loaded backpacks, a luggage, an electric kick scooter and 4 other heavy bags filled with books, clothing, tools and electronics.

As I walked out and closed the door behind me, I immediately felt the cold and unkind breeze of winter.

I knew it was gonna be a long night.

My back was already aching from the amount of weight I was holding. I attempted to ride the scooter but it just wasn’t stable enough for me without falling off.

So I used the last $15 in my bank account to order an Uber. My plan wasn’t much of a plan. Winter was barely starting and I knew I had to get to a place that was somewhat warm. Thankfully I had a gotten a job at McDonald’s just a week earlier and I knew of a tunnel near that location that ran under the street. It wasn’t much but at least there I was able to stay somewhat warm. The Uber driver looked puzzled when he realized my destination wasn’t much of a destination but he didn’t say anything about it.

I spent 7 hours out there. I ignored all the phone calls from my father until I didn’t because the cold weather became too much. And with all my belongings just sitting out where strangers could steal em’ I realized I couldn’t survive out there like this. I hadn’t even gotten paid yet.

I eventually gave in and told my father where I was and he came to pick me up.

The ride back home was awkward but my father was no longer angry. He just awkwardly asked if I saw any coyotes. I told him I heard a pack of them nearby.

Anyway, ever since that night, my father has been less intrusive and less of a douchebag but the fact that it even had to get that far in order to get a little respect and autonomy is ridiculous.

I’m not sure I really understand my father, I don’t think I ever really will. I am grateful that he’s provided the basics like food and shelter all my life but he also provided lots of chaos throughout my life. Made me feel small, weak and powerless.

I started feeling like a robot at the age of 11. I refused to be human for all those years just to avoid feeling emotion.

Alcohol helped accomplish that even more for 9 years after my 18th birthday.

Now I’m 28 and I’m ready to cut ties with him. Thankfully I have relatives who are willing to help me escape.