I Have Bad Mood Swings

I was feeling not too bad half an hour ago, and now I'm sat playing with my straight razor again. Sat pressing it against my legs, wrists and throat. Pressing hard enough to leave marks but not quite breaking the skin yet, knowing that all it would take is one quick movement and my hollow ground friend would part my skin like gossamer beneath its finely honed blade, as it has so many times before..

This is not a new feeling, it is now more often than not the situation I find myself in every day and every night. At times it comes totally without warning, like suddenly falling from a precipice, and at others slowly rolling over me like a thick black fog, seeping into every fibre of my being and smothering me in darkness

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Mamapolo2016 · F

What are you doing about it?

AlphaPuppy · 26-30, M

@Mamapolo2016 medication, I need proper long term support and professional help but due to budget cuts and other restrictions that isn't physically available for me. The mental health services are failing as is the NHS..

Mamapolo2016 · F

Okay. Let’s assume you're correct.

What OTHER help and long-term support is available? Self-harm support groups and websites by the dozens, online and off.

We paint ourselves into corners by saying, what I really NEED is this...but I can’t get it and therefore there’s no way out. There IS a way out of misery and into life. You just have to want it bad enough.

If I was chasing you with a straight razor, my intention being to hurt you or worse you would damn straight find a way to stop me.

If you need help finding those resources, PM me and i’ll do all I can to help.

AlphaPuppy · 26-30, M

@Mamapolo2016 I have a care coordinator whose job it is to explore all of those options. I no longer self harm and haven't for some time now, the issue is constant suicidal thoughts and urges relating to a possible personality disorder and presenting as an external influence. That unfortunately is not something that is likely to go away, it just needs management but due to additional autistic traits the common management techniques and a majority of support groups are not appropriate. I am ineligible for help from other pathways within the mental health services that might be able to offer longer term help for reasons I am unwilling to go into and I attend a support group already but the one on one long term support that is the only real option for my circumstances is physically not available.

Mamapolo2016 · F

I really don’t know your particular circumstances. At one point I had a care coordinator whose job it was...but he didn't do his job because he was overburdened with his caseload.

I can’t and wouldn't make you do anything, but I can tell you that for me, taking back the reins and being proactive on my own behalf was empowering.

The sad truth about mental health services is they have no vested interest in getting you well. Better, yes, but as long as you are ill they are raking in the cash from somewhere.

I really do wish you well. It can be a beautiful life. First step is to wanna.

AlphaPuppy · 26-30, M

@Mamapolo2016 part of my problem is the inability to do those things for myself and to proactively help myself. And yet any change causes me a lot of stress and distress especially if it's out of my control.. Also my neurological pathways aren't exactly wired up normally and certain things literally cannot be changed.. The joys of asbergers

Mamapolo2016 · F

Yes. I am fortunate, I know that. You are young and things are changing all the time.

Hang in there. Someday soon there will be a cure, or better meds. 😊