Sadness and miscommunication....(If you don't like long posts please don't read.)

I am sad today. My Husband and I had a small tiff, but with my brain being the way it is right now, it took so much out of me. My daughters and I have been researching what could be wrong with my brain, and it could be that I am not getting enough glucose to my brain. A couple of weeks ago, I stopped all simple carbs, sugar, and sweeteners of any type. I was so happy because I tried to do this many times last year, from October to November, and failed miserably each time. Before last October, my daughters and I had been completely free of sweeteners, sugar, diet sugars, natural sugars, etc., for 3 years.🙂

So, I started a low-carb diet, eliminating all the sweeteners, and my mind kept getting worse. Yesterday, I started drinking elderberry tea to try to avoid getting another virus. I drank the first cup plain, but I added a half-teaspoon of honey to the second cup. Immediately, my mind started clearing up. Well, not wanting to get started back on any sweeteners, and just dismissed this. Then this morning, I asked for a teaspoon of honey in my tea again, and the same thing happened. Then my son came in and dumped a lot of drama on me (girl drama) for a couple of hours, and then I was back to square one.😔

Then, because my mind wasn't working well, and neither was my Husband's, we got into a tiff because he said I was talking to him like he was stupid (He always says this), but this time I wasn't. Many times when he says this to me, I am not talking to him like he is stupid, but he misunderstands and says I am. He then gets really frustrated with me if I try to explain that I didn't mean he was stupid in any way. It becomes a tiff. Usually I am talking to him about my health and trying to explain something, but I guess I don't say it right. Then I start crying because it seems to me that he doesn't care about me.😥

After all this happened, my mind stopped functioning, and I just sat in a stupor until I asked for another cup of tea with honey. My daughter gave me a cup, and I drank it. I felt a little better. I could at least do my gem art, but I am very very sad right now. The trouble my Husband and I face with communication is only going to get worse. There isn't any hope that it will get better.😥

I can avoid the tiffs if I stop talking to him about anything of importance and just talk to my daughters. I have been doing this more and more over the last 5 years. This is the same amount of time my Husband told me he has been having issues with his brain. It hurts, though, so badly, to not be able to talk to him anymore. 😔

I have always loved my husband with all I am. I will never love anyone else (romantically) in my life. I have never loved anyone else in life (romantically). He was my best friend, until my daughter (who is like me) came into my life. She made me know what being loved unconditionally felt like.❤

I have never believed my Husband loved me as much as I love him. He says that this isn't true, that it is just my childhood that made me feel like no one could love me. This could be true, I guess, except I can tell my kids love me, and I believe that they love me. 🤷‍♀

I have frustrated him most of my marriage, and even when I was very pretty, he always seemed to want this ex-girlfriend or that one or his secretary, anyone in addition to me. He would never let me go, but it always seemed like I wasn't enough. I always felt like I was his second choice and that he only married me because we had kids. We didn't get married until our oldest was 2 years old. 🙁

However, I knew my Husband was devoted to me, and he wouldn't leave me, but I never felt like he really loved me. He says this isn't true, but I think a person can tell if they are loved or not. He cares about me, or he would have left me, though. Now, I wonder about all this even more. At least until my brain stops working, and then I am calm, just tired and sad.😔

One time I asked my Husband when did you know you loved me, and he said he always knew he would be with me when we got old. Then he told me that when he was dead, I would see how much he had loved me. I have never been able to figure out what this means. I am tired, and if I didn't have my kids, I think I would give into whatver is happening without trying to do anything to help myself. 😔

However, I do have kids, and I promised them all many years ago that I would stay with them as long as I am able, and that I would take care of myself. I promised this mostly to the daughter who is like me, becuase I know how hard it is to walk through this world when no one else is like you. When I die, she will experience this too.😔

I am just sad and overwhelmed today. I love my Husband and I will love him until I die. I am just hurting right now. Tomorrow might be better.🤷‍♀

NOTE-I am still taking some time away, but I needed to journal some today. I am closing comments because I am way too tender to interact about this post, right now..😥

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