Wondering If I am Neurodivergent
So you know when kids play with toys up close to their face? Not like holding an action figure and moving it around on the ground, but like holding a thing basically right in their face and like imagining scenarios and making sound effects? Well, I still do that; I have habitually done that since I have been able to hold things apparently and it has lasted all the way till now. But when I do it, I experience these intense daydreams. These images will scroll through my mind. it feels both extremely entertaining but also like satisfying an itch? I describe it as some sort of neurotic compulsion that comes up on it's own, it's almost involuntary at times.. It also feels way better than just normal daydreaming, like I am lucid dreaming. Like for a brief moment my senses get totally cut off from this world and go somewhere else.
It was an issue for me in school when I was younger since I would often, "play with my pencil" as my teachers would call it, and this would lead to me not paying attention in class. I also have a preference for certain types of pencils, as the color, overall length, angle of the tip, length of sharpened section, and shape of the cross-section all impact how I 'feel' about it. It's almost like I bond with a certain pencil and once something happens to it, either it breaks or I'm away on vacation, I have a period of discomfort until I form a new bond with a different one. So I have a collection of pencils that have a certain, color and texture to them.
I also experience something similar when the wind blows against my skin. If the wind is forceful enough, I will always get a "flash" of images in my head. My body will respond to the feeling of wind against my skin by intensively daydreaming. Sometimes I get a flash of random images, sometimes colors and if it's intense enough. I will actually start to faintly hear music.
Over the course of my life, I've tried to figure out if all of this is some form of autism, maladaptive daydreaming or synesthesia. But I can't seem to find any solid answer no matter where I go or who I talk to.
It was an issue for me in school when I was younger since I would often, "play with my pencil" as my teachers would call it, and this would lead to me not paying attention in class. I also have a preference for certain types of pencils, as the color, overall length, angle of the tip, length of sharpened section, and shape of the cross-section all impact how I 'feel' about it. It's almost like I bond with a certain pencil and once something happens to it, either it breaks or I'm away on vacation, I have a period of discomfort until I form a new bond with a different one. So I have a collection of pencils that have a certain, color and texture to them.
I also experience something similar when the wind blows against my skin. If the wind is forceful enough, I will always get a "flash" of images in my head. My body will respond to the feeling of wind against my skin by intensively daydreaming. Sometimes I get a flash of random images, sometimes colors and if it's intense enough. I will actually start to faintly hear music.
Over the course of my life, I've tried to figure out if all of this is some form of autism, maladaptive daydreaming or synesthesia. But I can't seem to find any solid answer no matter where I go or who I talk to.
