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I Have Adhd

So, I have been diagnosed with ADHD teetering on the edge of being considered severe since I was about 4 and have been taking 40 mg of either Adderall or Dexedrine ever since, and something weird has happened to me because of that. I feel like I became two people in the same body that are actually the same person but just extensions of one another. Let me explain how this occurred. Because I spent most of my life taking medication, I grow up and developed into the person that my medication allowed me to be. By that I mean the medication made me focused which allowed to pursue activities that involved lots of focus such as science, deep thought, and learning whatever I could, and I grow to love all of these. I built my identity around what my medication allowed me to do and focused mostly on developing my mind.
Then sometime in high school, for some insurance reasons, I was not able to take my medication for a month, and I started to change. Without my medication I was not able to think as clearly or focus as much as I could with it, especially during the first week or so; I had almost no control over myself at all. But, besides that, I was able to discover more about myself. I learned that I was actually capable of interacting with people properly, and that I loved having fun, playing around, and being silly. It should be known that before that month I was a rather serious person and I didn't have the capability to properly interact or talk to people, I didn't have trouble talking to people because I was shy or insecure or anything like that, rather it was that I just lacked the skill to do it. But, when I was off my medication I just spontaneously gained that skill and talking became much easier. I started to learn what I was like in my natural state, and I loved what I was discovering, mostly. I will state that even with the changes to my personality when off my medication I still had the effects on my personality that the medication helped me build. I still had a love for science, learning, and deep thought, and the way I talked and interacted still reflected that. It just became more difficult to focus on them and learning took A LOT more effort, which frustrated me. But, I was able to recall what I was like when I was on my medication and was able to put myself in a similar mind set which helped a bit.
Then when the month was over, and I was able to take my medicine again, I went back to being the controlled, focused, and serious person I was before, well mostly anyways. The time I spent off my medication kept some of its effect on me. I learned to socialize a lot better due to having some experience being good at it and picking up on some concepts that work. Although, I still wasn't great at it and nowhere near as good as I was off my medication. Also, I learned that at times I had to let myself and other people be silly for a little bit as well as being serious, but I was still mostly serious. The way I was when I am off my medicine was still a part of me and was playing a part in how I identify myself.
Since that month had past I started to intentionally not take my medication on certain days, like on days of social events or on weekends. And I started to be able to blur the lines of what I am like when I am on and off my medication, with how I behave becoming somewhat similar, but still vastly different. And, I started to be able to use some more of the aspects of myself when I am not medicated when I am medicated, and vise versa. And because of that my personality started to develop more and more to where it showed strong traits from every side of the personality spectrum. I was both strongly an introvert, and extrovert, I used reason and logic, and my emotions to make decisions. Basically, I strongly displayed all the 8 traits on the Myers Briggs personality test due to myself have two sides of myself that seem to be complete opposites merging with each other.
Myself when I am off my medication is me, as well as myself when on my medication is also me, they are both me. Two forms of myself that are expressed so differently and appear completely different to someone who doesn't know me well, but at their core they are the same exact person with the same values, same ideals, and same desires and they are both me. And I hope someday that I would be able to almost completely merge these two parts of me so that I don’t have to choose between more one that the other and instead can call upon both parts of me at the same time.
By the way, has anyone ever heard of something like this happening to someone? I have never heard a story of someone with a personal story like this and I know that it is impossible for me to be the only one with how many people exist.
Flenflyys · 26-30, F
This happens to everyone who uses pharmaceutical therapy for a mental illness.
DrakeoMagister · 22-25, M
@Flenflyys Really? Huh, well I could see why that would be. But how come people never hear stories about this?
Flenflyys · 26-30, F
Well, we do. This is why medication compliance is really poor for certain conditions. Like schizophrenia for example. The person hates how their medication affects them and the changes it causes to “them” so they generally don’t comply. It’s really sad because they just want to be themselves but they have no control over their illness that can ruin their lives. They almost always need someone to force them to take it. But I agree with the other poster about telling your doctor. And I don’t know your specific case of course, but you can work on an alternative treatment plan with your healthcare provider.
iagreed · 61-69, M
@Flenflyys ADHD is not a mental illness
St0ut · 51-55, M
I think you need to tell your doctor.
DrakeoMagister · 22-25, M
@St0ut I do thank you for your concern. But I don't think that it is really an issue for me anymore. At the time when the story was it had a large effect on me and caused a lot of distress. But, the issues that I had then are not nearly as bad and I have grow a lot from it, and I am now much equipped to deal with it. It is actually kinda pleasant now.

 
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