I am crazy

Without my medications, I wouldn’t be able to distinguish between reality and fantasy. I went into psychosis three years ago and while I was not violent, it was distressing for me and my family who were around me that night. I could have been arrested but the police luckily did not use excessive force or brutality and they could see I was not mentally well. So my option was go to the hospital to get help or be arrested for calling the police when there was no one who needed help. I thought my neighbor was hurting himself. I got sent to a psychiatric hospital for two weeks. God I hated every minute spent in that place. I wasn’t so lucky to escape that punishment. But I was fortunate to not be arrested and my family and I were lucky the neighbors were decent people so I didn’t get sued for calling the police on them falsely. Geez I remember parts of that night and the several months leading up to it and I cringe . I was the menace and I did apologize to the neighbors and told them I was mentally ill and was after getting treatment for it. I’m still embarrassed and mortified for what I did to this day. I’m sweet but crazy. I take my medication religiously as I don’t want to go back into that dark place., I’m on anti depressants and anti psychotic pills. I hate knowing I’m depressed and schizophrenic and just wish I could euthanize myself so I wouldn’t be a liability for my family. Or for others. I just wish I could pass away peacefully and painlessly in my sleep. I wish that were an option assisted euthanasia for someone like me. One less crazy person around in life. I know it’s not politically correct to call myself crazy but that’s what I am. I wish I had not developed these illnesses. I have been stable the last almost three years since beginning an anti psychotic . I’m still very imaginative but I can distinguish fantasy and reality.,I’m intellectual and creative too. I just wish I got those parts without the psychosis. My Abilify and Effexor are the most important medications for me to take. I also need to learn to take care of myself as an adult with adult responsibilities and hopefully freedoms.

userfawkes1105

There’s a story in the Bible about a man everyone had basically given up on. People had tried everything they knew to help him, but nothing worked. Then Jesus came into his life and did what nobody else could do. He set him free.

I’m not comparing anyone to that man or what he was going through. What gets me about the story is what happened afterward. The people saw what Jesus had done, and they still asked Him to leave.

I think sometimes we do something similar with God. We get to our lowest point, we try to fix everything ourselves, we look everywhere for peace or a way out, and when none of it works, we wonder why God feels so far away. But sometimes He feels far away because we’re the ones who have spent so long running from Him.

God doesn’t force us to walk with Him. He allows us to choose, even when that choice means experiencing life apart from Him and the consequences that come with it. Sometimes it takes reaching the point where nothing else is working for us to finally turn around and realize that maybe the answer we’ve been searching everywhere for was God all along.

Sometimes the way out isn’t trying harder on our own. Sometimes it’s finally being willing to turn back to Him and say, “I can’t do this without You.”