all roads lead to suicide

No matter what i do, what i change in my life, i always end up thinking about suicide. I tried to change it, i should be in a much better position right now, mentally, emotionally and physically. Why do I still feel like shit? Depression is like this sticky substance that you can‘t seem to remove completely from your carpet, so you pick and pick at it until the entire carpet is ruined. Im turning 20 this year, been depressed for over 5 years now. Why can‘t I finally feel like a normal human being? I hate my family. I rarely see my friends. Im tired of always chasing others. Tired of being the one who has to fix everything. I wish someone could just hug me and tell me that everything will be okay. I feel so lonely. I want to run away. Get far away from this fucking town, my family and everyone else.